in the story of my life you'll barely get a mention

Him and his men, come in the club like hooligans, don't care who they offend, poppin' game like you got yen

2012-01-31T14:29:00.005-05:00

I saw a sign in a store window today advertisting "MANCAVE TOYS." Surely I'm not the only one who thinks "mancave" sounds like something a closeted fratboy would call his rectum to a potential online suitor.

So the Super Bowl is in Indianapolis this weekend. I went downtown last weekend to check out everything that was going on. It's really cool to see all that activity and life here. But at the same time, it's really annoying when someone gets in my way when I'm trying to walk down the sidewalk. I know you all want to stop and look around, but move to the side out of the way. Otherwise, I don't care if you're a 60-year-old grandma--I will tell you to get out of the way. Am I wrong in this? I don't care that you want to discuss where you and Lucille might be able to get a table at a restaurant. Please move out of the way. Your table is not waiting for you in the middle of a very busy sidewalk.

as the protein transmutates, i knock on your skin and i am in

2012-01-15T21:45:00.003-05:00

People keep asking me a lot lately if I ever cheat on my veganism. It's an impossible question to answer, though I like to think I do not. I eat honey, and occasionally wear wool that I purchased before I became a vegan, and wear leather sneakers to the gym that I bought before I became vegan, and I use tons of chapstick made with beeswax. I buy razors that were tested on animals because vegan razors cut the hell out of my face while at the same time not actually shaving me. I'm mostly comfortable with those things though. Sometimes I think I should give up foods with honey, and it's really quite seldom that I have it, but I think I only consider giving it up because of some outside pressure that the "vegans don't eat honey" crowd thinks, not because I actually think it is wrong. Every time I drive, I kill bugs; I kill ants that try to get in my windows during the summer, so why would bees be special? I can keep making excuses for why I'm ok with it, but if I have to keep making excuses to myself for it, maybe it would be easier to just stop. Who knows. anyway, no, I do not think I cheat. But there's no black and white answer, really. Blueberries aren't vegan, really, because bees are used in the fields. Same for flowers from the florist. Manure is used to grow my veggies. It's a non-vegan world. you can only do so much.

Also, I saw Lars von Trier's "Melancholia" recently. I have an amazing admiration for his work, and if I wrote out my top 20 favorite films or so, at least 4 of his would be in it, so obviously I get pretty excited when he has a new film. Plus, it had Kirsten Dunst, Charlotte Gainsbourg, and Alexander Skarsgard. In a movie about depression and the end of the world. So maybe I was just expecting too much and went in with hopes too high, but I was disappointed. I didn't dislike it. I just didn't really care about it. It was just ok. The poster for the film is beautiful, and some of the scenes are gorgeous to watch, but that was about it.

as fast as your fingernail grows, the atlantic ridge drifts

2011-12-27T18:35:00.008-05:00

How I've missed you, blog!

A couple weeks ago, I spent a weekend putting in a bamboo floor in my living and dining room. Previously, there was a horrible stained white patterned berber carpet that was ridiculously bad. I still have that carpet upstairs, but at least one floor of my condo is rid of it. It's quite a relief. I have tone more projects to do, but this was a big one, and now I know I can actually complete the big projects. So onward and upward!

Also, I kept meaning to write about Bjork's latest album, Biophilia. It came out a couple months ago, and it is brilliant. It has the artsy-ness of Medulla with the accessibility of Homogenic. I've been a huge fan for half my life, and this is probably her best work. Though it's definately not for everyone. If you weren't already a fan, it will still just sound weird.

you go back to her and I go back to black

2011-07-27T16:36:00.000-04:00

Happy Birthday, Allison!

it's better to rise than fade away

2011-06-28T16:47:00.003-04:00

Today, I installed a celing fan and light fixture all by myself! And it's whisper quiet. No squeaking or wobbling. At least not yet. And last night, I used a stud finder (please, no jokes) to find a stud so that I could successfully hang a floating shelf.

All this, and I'm still alive to blog about it.

the chiils that you spill up by back leave me filled with satisfaction

2011-05-22T22:24:00.003-04:00

It's really exciting learning how to do new things when you buy a home. I've fixed a toilet, replaced a shower head, caulked, trimmed bushes (badly, really badly), and possibly other new things. The money really adds up quickly though. Today, I ordered a new bed and mattress. I've been wanting a new one for years, and now that I have a guest room, I had an excuse. Now I can put my old bed in there and make guests sleep as uncomfortably as I have been sleeping for years. There's still so much to do and it's hard to try to pace myself. I want everything fixed now, but obviously can't afford to fix everything at once. Painting will have to happen soon. I was going to take pictures today, but my camera was dead and by the time I found the charger, it was dark and I didn't feel like it anymore. I will soon. Just no pics of the bushes.

when we're older and full of cancer... it doesn't matter now, come on get happy. nothing lasts forever.

2011-05-06T21:16:00.004-04:00

I closed on my condo today! It's such a relief to be finished with the whole process and just be able to look forward to making payments through June of 2041.

Back to packing.

all i regret now is i never kissed your mouth, 'cause there's something about what happens when we talk

2011-03-31T20:16:00.006-04:00

I love Lucinda Williams, so when I saw that she was playing a small club here in the city, I struggled about buying concert tickets when I was trying to buy a new home. It seemed like a splurge, but now that I've bought the tickets anyway, I feel so super-stoked. I can't imagine anything stupider than not going to this show. So yeah, I'm going to a fucking Lucinda Williams show! Cue the tears and heartbreak. Speaking of the new home, I have a closing date! This week, I signed all the mortgage application documents and had the inspection. It's hard to go through an inspection. None of it is good news. They just keep finding things that need fixed. How is that supposed to help with trying to stay excited? But I'm still excited. I just moved 6 months ago, so I'm really dreading doing it again. Plus, I need boxes. I have tons of stuff, and I think I kept maybe 5 boxes, since I didn't think I'd be moving so soon. So I only need like 65 more boxes. Or thousands of people who can carry a few things in their arms about ten miles across the city.

i've crawled on glass to grasp at straws, studdering, staggering through

2011-03-22T20:12:00.005-04:00

When last we blogged together, I was considering a condo purchase. Now, I have a signed purchase agreement. The realtor sent me a few places, but I didn't really like any of them, so I found some on my own. And now I'm buying one, which should be simple enough. Find one. Get a mortgage. Sign some papers. Move in. Wait to die.

It's not so simple though. Realtors should give you anti-ulcer pills.

Can I really afford this? Is this the right place? Can I do this on my own? Why am I 31 years old and no one has ever even briefly considered living with me, let alone spending the rest of their life with me? What if I lose my job? What if I go to the hospital and I don't have medical insurance and I am suddenly piss broke? Do people really believe in Jesus rose from the dead? Can I find someone to take over my apartment lease?

I won't go on. I'm getting worked up again.

i am still living with your ghost, lonely and dreaming of the west coast.

2011-03-10T18:08:00.004-05:00

I had a realtor today e-mail me a bunch of condos in my area. I've been thinking about making a purchase for a while now, but having an e-mail full of pictures makes me very nervous. On one hand, it's a great time to buy something. But on the other eight hands, is the condo building still going to look nice in ten years? What if I want to move soon? What if I have a horrible neighbor and unlike in my apartment, I can't just wait for them to get evicted? What if something goes wrong and I have no idea how to get it fixed?

There are some very low prices right now, and buying a condo is far less nerve-inducing than buying an actual house. Plus, no mowing and no gutter cleaning. Do I really want to go look at some of these places? I think I do.

he's got chicken liver balls. he's got chicken liver spleen.

2011-03-09T17:41:00.003-05:00

It seems like it has rained, snowed, or iced every day for the last 32 months or so. Area goth people must be loving it. I do not. It's not like I sit out in the sun getting tan, but it's nice when sunshine peeks through the curtains as I lay on the couch on my day off.

Today, the sole fell off one of my shoes as I was walking around at work (damn vegan shoes), and I had to spend the rest of the day walking around in a shoe with no sole (on a body with no soul.) It was uncomfortable for a few minutes, but then it felt sort of nice, only having a thin pleather layer of material between my foot and the floor. I wish floors were all free of debris so that I could just wear socks. I would buy some awesome socks. I already have some awesome socks, but no one ever sees them. That's unfortunate, really.

life is a cabaret, old chum

2011-01-15T15:53:00.002-05:00

For years, I thought Liza Minnelli was just a joke. Not a good joke. She was clearly a pill addict. her love life was strange, to say the least. She did bad reality TV about said love life. I thought she was really only famous because she was Judy Garland's daughter. Then came "Arrested Development," where I really came to respect her. She wasn't afriad to make fun of herself, and showed an outstanding comic talent. And after all, being the child of a celebrity doesn't really mean you can have a long successful career. I had been too hard on her. Plus, my beloved Courtney Love is the addict of all addicts, so who am I to judge?

So I saw that she was coming to my fair city to perform alongside the Indianapolis Symphony Orchestra, and I thought, "What a novel idea. I should go." So I did. I really didn't know that much about her early career. yes, I saw Cabaret, but that was about it. I didn't get the best seats in the house, and I was fine with that. I was only going as a casual fan.

She was outstanding. Singing, dancing, joking around, oozing love for her fans. I could see the twinkle in her eye from row KK in the balcony. I haven't smiled so big for so long perhaps ever.

People don't become legends by accident. We should go see them in person every chance we get. It makes us all better.

clearly i remember picking on the boy. seemed a harmless little fuck.

2010-11-07T18:22:00.002-05:00

Committed relationships are only good for financial purposes, I think. And then, only in the case of multiple incomes. Otherwise, I'm not sure I get the draw of it all. Sure, it would be nice to have an activity companion sometimes, but often it's exciting to live more spontaneously. Do I want to always be a "Joey and Whoever"? Of course it's nice to feel loved by someone. But it's also nice to not have to compromise.

I ate unfrosted shredded wheat with Hershey's syrup for dinner and I didn't have to explain why to anyone. It tasted damn good. Was it as nice as cuddling on the couch watching a good movie with someone who loves me? Perhaps not. But was it better than cuddling on the couch with someone who I'm not sure still feels the same passion for me as he used to? Definately.

me and a gun and a man on my back, and i sang "holy holy" as he buttoned down his pants.

2010-10-11T20:45:00.002-04:00

For those who are unaware, I have a new job and a new place to live. After two long years in Muncie, I am making an official return to Indianapolis. It's pretty exciting, really. I told myself when I moved here that it was only temporary, but it was starting to seem like I was getting stuck, so happily I can report that I am not stuck. I already started the new job, which is going well, and will be moving soon. Not everything about moving to Muncie was bad though. I think I've made a lot of personal progress that might not have been possible if I hadn't been stuck in isolation here. So there's that.

we dance to the beat of bad kissers clinking teeth

2010-09-30T19:37:00.003-04:00

I had a wonderful trip to San Francisco. What a beautiful place for a city. Why would anyone want to live anywhere else? Cost. Housing is ridiculously expensive, but probably worth it. Let's all just move there together. If we pool our money, we can get a 2-bedroom apartment. :)

Almost immediately after I returned from my trip, I went for a job interiew at a firm in Indianapolis, which went well, as I have accepted the position. i'm very excited about getting back to Indy. Living in Muncie always felt like a temporary thing, so I never invested much of myself into living here, so it always felt like I was wasting my life being here. So it's a relief for that to be coming to an end. I have appointments on Saturday to look at a few places, but I can commute until I get moved.

And finally, Robyn has released "Body Talk, Part 2," the second of three ep's she's putting out this year. There is simply no better pop music being created right now. Who knew that the girl singing "Show Me Love" when I was in high school would end up making such fantastic music. Since I'll never write enough blog posts to use some of the lines I want to use for titles, I'll put a couple here. "Even the Vatican knows not to fuck with me." "Some snitch punk at legal aid stole my voucher for court clothes." "Can I get a beat-beat for all of my whachamacallits doing whatever and with whomever they like." "We dance to the beat of your brain not evelving fast enough." "We need a black pope and she better be a woman. better be no more celibacy."

Thanks for indulging me.

there'll be no strings to bind your hands, not if my love can't bind your heart

2010-08-27T20:28:00.004-04:00

Twice today I was able to get a fly to light on my finger so that I could walk it outside to safety. I told them they would die inside if they did not allow me to assist them in getting back outside, and they lit on my fingertip and rested there until I made it outside. Try it sometime. I don't want to be the only fly whisperer. Let me know your results.

when the glitter fades in morning, turn away and you will find my empty eyes

2010-07-31T22:35:00.004-04:00

(me, on the left, with Courtney)

I know Courtney Love comes up a lot on here for some reason. I just finished watching her Behind the Music and it's odd how she can make me feel so manic and sad and empowered and resolved and suicidal and full with a single sentence. I think she really is my Jesus. I think this is how people feel about Jesus.

When I was in college and MTV created M2 to play more alternative stuff, there was a day called "24 Hours with Courtney Love" where she hosted the channel for 24 straight hours, only taking a small nap where they re-played the Unplugged that Hole did and some past performances from the VMAs and stuff. I remember being ready for bed when I was still flipping through channels and discovered this day-long thing was on. But I watched the entire 24 hours and never made it to bed. Sometimes I wonder how the world would react if Jesus lived today claiming that his virgin mother birthed him and that if you want to get to this heaven, the only way is through him. At the very least, he'd be a punchline. Jeff Foxworthy would probably have a comedy special all about it. The Manson girls would re-dedicate their lives to Jesus and we would not think of it as any improvement. I learned from a very early age that "trust me" and "follow me" and "i would never hurt you" and "believe in me" are all shit, so is that why I can only put my faith in Courtney, because she learned the same things? I am raised up in her (forgive the josh groban cliche). There's gotta be a light at the end, right? Even if the light is only for a cigarette. And I don't smoke.

I'm sure Jesus gave a lot of crappy sermons that didn't make the cut for the Bible. Do you ever wonder what they were about? The uninspired ones. The ones unworthy of so much red ink to make you really concentrate when you're reading. (I just stopped myself from the probably blasphemy of making my post in red font.) Surely there were more sermons than are in the Bible, or did he go around from city to city preaching the same one over and over? I've never thought about this until now, so if there's an actual answer to this stuff, I don't think I want to know.

Speaking of things I worship, Ginger sent me an awesome coffee mug. It's a baby-blue replica of the pink one she posted on here blog that I shamelessly commented my adoration about. Ginger is awesome. So is the mug.

Thanks for reading.

i've laid with the devil, cursed god above, forsaken heaven to bring you my love.

2010-07-13T21:31:00.004-04:00

also, i've lost 60 pounds and weigh less than i weighed when i graduated high school. but don't let the picture fool you: i didn't find god.

i'm sipping propane topped with a cherry.

2010-07-13T21:13:00.003-04:00

i think i just don't get life.

meanwhile, robyn has a new 8-song album that is brilliant. i am calling it dorky electropop.

back to the first stuff though. my mood swings are significant anymore. i had a good last few days, or was i just acting the part of being functional? i never know. sometimes it feels real and sometimes it doesn't. am i feeling what i feel when i feel it, or am i always empty and then convince myself that the better days are really empty too and fake? how do people have normal lives? how do they build a life without debilitating panic or dark clouds? can the emptiness ever go away once it's there? what if empty is my normal like other people's normal is content? it hurts less than it used to, but i don't think that's good.

buy robyn's album.

is she pretty on the inside?

2010-06-30T23:28:00.003-04:00

Last night, I was in the front row for an amazing Hole concert in Nashville. Courtney touched my hand twice and poured water on me. It felt like a baptism for an atheist. They did a great mix of old and new songs, and even some covers like "Feelin' Good" and "Closer." And my favorite song of theirs--and perhaps my favorite song ever--"Plump." I wish I could describe the show better but I don't even have words for how much it meant to me.

And I got to take a couple days off work and had a great time in Nashville. I put a bunch of pictures on my facebook. I'm sure anyone reading this has access to that so I won't post them here. I thought of moving to Nashville a few years back and going there again made me wonder a bit why I didn't.

god made me a cannibal to fix problems like you

2010-03-27T18:00:00.004-04:00

A couple days ago at work, I was having a discussion about the ethics of a situation, and a co-worker made a statement about how it was strange (I think strange was the word he used) that I (of all people) would want to talk about ethics. You know, the gay atheist on staff (or gaytheist, as I now refer to myself). I assume his insinuation dealt more with the atheism, but I'm not really sure: they're not much different to a lot of people. As if a person needs a god watching over them demanding that they do the right thing lest they be punished to know right from wrong. I do the right thing because it's the right thing, because it's what should be done, because it's how I want to be treated. But I forget sometimes that I am constantly being judged and questioned no matter how ethically I behave.

I took the high road after his comment and didn't reply. I normally am quite vocal in my responses to such things anymore, and frankly, I HATE the high road (the low road makes my tummy slightly queasy in a good way that I like). But in taking the high road, I was judging him for his small-mindedness, so I was really on the normal road. And I'm fine with that.

when you leave me alone in this world you know that i'm in hell

2010-03-10T22:16:00.002-05:00

i remember kissing before it came with hands below the waist, when it was the farthest things were going to go, when making out was the bliss and a new connection could be innocent. i'd like to be able to cling to anything innocent, but i know it's too late and that's never going to happen again. i don't remember ever actually feeling or being innocent, so maybe it was just an illusion, and a simple kiss could temporarily erase all the shit that was happening to me. that continues to happen to me even though it stopped years ago when i left. the physical power is gone but it still maintains a complicated grasp on every move i make. there may be no heaven but i know there is a hell.

does my sexiness offend you?

2010-02-14T18:04:00.003-05:00

I found a great t-shirt that not only promotes vegetarianism, but also makes a joke of pro-life messages. And who doesn't like that? Not that abortion is a joke or anything. Just the assholes that put that those bumper stickers and shit on their car.

By the way, I've now lost 20 pounds since Christmas. It's like I gave birth or something.

she don't eat meat but she sure like the bone

2010-01-06T19:50:00.003-05:00

I think it's time I came out of the closet. As a vegetarian, this time. It's been nearly two weeks since I went whole-hog (forgive the expression; couldn't help myself) cutting out meat and gelatin and products derived from cooking meat. I have been considering it for years but always talked myself out of it. I don't like mushrooms. I don't like fresh tomatoes. Or avacadoes, or cucumbers, or lots of other things popular in vegetarian dishes, so I always said I'd never be able to do it. But I'm totally excited about it. I just feel so much more conscious. Aside from not eating meat, I am reading the labels on food and actually paying attention to what I put in my body. Yeah, there's still junk food, but I've added so many more healthy foods to my diet. When was the last time I thought about protein or vitamins before I made this transition? I feel great.

I turned to some websites about vegetarianism to try to get some pointers and was completely turned off by how judgemental they were. I feel like this has been a very personal decision for myself, so being all self-righteous about it seems ridiculous. I'm still eating dairy and eggs, so I'm still contributing to some of the problems I see, but I've taken a huge step for myself tha tI feel really good about. So much of my eating habits have been so reckless, from emotional eating to emotional starvation to just constant eating. I finally feel like I have some control.

I don't really miss God, but I sure miss Santa Claus.

2009-12-27T15:59:00.002-05:00

subtitled: Courtney Love is Jesus, and Why "Live Through This" is the Greatest Album Ever.

Driving down I-69 on Christmas Day with no reason to live, I put on "Live Through This" like I have dozens of times like this before. It changes me every bit as much as blood leaving the body. In every note, Courtney is more relentless than a blizzard. More hate-filled than Fred Phelps. She is more desperate than a terminal patient, and more in pain than me. She is a musician who has no skin left to shred. Her life is worthless, so she has nothing left but rock. You feel it in every breath she sings with, and with every breath you take as you scream along until your voice leaves you, which only takes a couple songs. As I drive down this interstate, she saves me. She is Jesus, but no one understands. I still consider removing my seatbelt and crashing into a concrete barrier but she relieves the urge just enough to make the desire calm into fantasy. She tells me that if I live through this with her that she will die for me, and I believe her. She gives me no choice. I trust her every word, and she saves me soul. She is Jesus. She is God. She if the Holy Fucking Ghost. And I can keep on driving.

untitled

2009-12-14T11:26:00.002-05:00

After months of anticipation, "Antichrist" came to Indianapolis this weekend. When you have a film built up so much in your head before you see it, it's difficult for the film to live up to your expectations. However, when a film is frame-by-frame art, how can it let you down? I've seen most of Lars von Trier's movies, and been blown away by the majority, and it's amazing that he can continue to make movies that make even his most loyal and eager fans drop their jaws in awe. The casual viewer--not that anyone would casually go see a movie called "Antichrist" that is filled with violence, sex, and talking--would have a difficult time looking past the misogyny. But when the misogyny is a primary focus that is shoved in your face (literally), it moves beyond mere woman-bashing (though it is far from empowering.) After all, aren't the true misogynists writing James Bond or Meg Ryan flicks? While "Antichrist" definately isn't intended for mass consumption, it's the most amazing film-making I've seen in years. It continues to play in my head obsessively and refuses to make room for any of my other thoughts. Thankfully. I can't even come up with a song lyric for a title.

every night i pray that you don't knock her up, 'cause i still want to be the mother of your child.

2009-12-05T23:11:00.008-05:00

Tonight, I was coked out on cold medication and took some photos of myself a la those pics people go get at Sears Portrait Studio to put on Christmas cards. What could be more fun?

In addition to that fun, I recently bought the new Shakira album and it reminded me how very much I love her. She's like the Bob Dylan of pop music, except with sexier metaphors. And I dare anyone to argue otherwise.

what ever happened to a boyfriend, the kind of guy who makes love 'cause he's in it?

2009-10-09T17:56:00.004-04:00

Hello dear readers!

I've recently completed a delightful vacation in the Big Apple--you know, New York City. A special shout-out to C&Clo for their hospitality. I can't add any pictures to my post, as I am at work and forbidden to be blogging, let alone have personal pictures saved for purposes of blogging. I had a wonderful time and got to hang out with a couple lovely Germans most of the week. A special highlight: seeing the Yeah Yeah Yeahs at Radio City Music Hall. Do it the next time you're there. Not that they'll be there. But they might be. And if they are, definitely go see them.

I have another vacation from work approaching the first full week of November, and I have no idea what to do with myself. If only there were a Little Apple near-by for a more toned-down, relaxing week. Any ideas?

don't know what you've got till it's gone

2009-09-14T22:25:00.002-04:00

Long time, no blog, eh? So what has happened since my last posting? I have rarely ridden the bike (surprise), had a car accident, didn't get hurt AND got to buy a new car, continued living in Muncie, kept trekking along trying to prove my worthiness as America's Next Top Mortician, and bought a ticket to New York City leaving this Saturday. I don't think I've left anything important out. But what is important, really?

Remember that salsa commerical from the early 90'--I think it was for Pace Picante--where there is a western scene and some guy is eating salsa made in Neeeeeeeeeeeeeew York City? I wish I remembered the commercial better so that I could descibe it more accurately, as I fear I'm not making any sense. Was it even salsa? Was it the 90's? Were there two cowboys making love in the background? Am I really an emotionally unstable hot mess that no one will ever be able to love? Was the southwest salsa really any better?

as i got light as a feather they got stiff as a board. i can't feel anymore, but i can fake it forever.

2009-05-26T18:03:00.003-04:00

I bought a bike today! How fun is that? I haven't ridden a bike since I was 12. I took a short ride around my apartment complex, and I must say that it's not as easy as I remember. Breaking in particular. But wish me luck on not breaking a leg!

i could put my arms around every boy i see, but they'd only remind me of you

2009-05-10T19:20:00.003-04:00

I never gave an update on what I did during my Muncie weekend. Thanks, Christoph, for pointing this out. Though it's been several weeks this that fun-filled week-end, I shall inform you that I went to a great pancake house here in Muncie for the first time. Eva's House of Pancakes. Got tons of food--all delicious--on the cheap, and thought I'd be back many times. That is until teh following Tuesday, when I saw the restaurant had suddenly closed. I also went to a great Mexican place with a friend where the decor includes Precious Moments figures dressed as Mexicans, with sombreros, gouchos, and large moustaches. No word yet on the future of this place.

On another note altogether, I would normally post a response to Ginger's blog posting in the appropriate space (on her own blog), it inspired me to write things on my own blog. The blog entry was about Britain releasing the list of hate-mongers who are not allowed in their country anymore. Do read her entry. I found myself totally agreeing, and thinking of other ways that "open-minded" people are always hating on the hatemongers, thinking they are taking the high road while they preach equally outrageous hatred. For years, I have listened to other gay people talk about how closed-minded other people can be (and they can be) and they talk about these people's hatred and ignorance, but instead of setting a good example as a human being, they (and not all gay people) use vicious hate language about people who do not accept them, and refuse to see the hypocrisy in demanding that their opinion be heard and accepted when often that message is more hate-filled than the opposition (with some forgiveness because it does hurt sometimes to not be able to casually hold your boyfriend's hand and be told that your love is not valid, so of course you're going to be angry sometimes.) But for many of us, it took years to accept that we were homosexuals and be comfortable in our own skin, and some gay people never get that far. How can we expect others to accept us and love us for who we are, when instead of educating them and showing them what upstanding citizens we can be, we attack and demand acceptance? At the same time, I realize that sometimes you can't just sit back and wait for people to change their minds about things like gay marriage. But is demonizing someone like Miss California really part of the road to showing everyone that we are respectable and beneficial parts of society? She stated her opinion, which she is allowed to have, and while she sounded dumb, she's trying to be Miss America, not the president. By the way, most gay people supported Barack Obama whole-heartedly. A president who opposed gay marriage. Are people really more upset that a beauty queen does not support gay marriage? Really?

all i ever wanted was a simple way to get over you

2009-04-17T21:40:00.002-04:00

Let me first apologize for my absense. It's not you. It's me.

I have become a Mafia Wars addict. Mafia Wars is a game on facebook where I get to live out my fantasized Italian heritage of being a New York Italian mafia man. I've made it to the level of Hitman at last count. It's very exciting.

This weekend is my first weekend off work that I'm spending in Muncie in months. Sorry for the awkward sentence structure on that last sentence. I don't feel like rearranging the prepositional phrases. But I wonder what awaits me this weekend. Will I take advantage of the great weather and explore Ball State tomorrow? Will I take a stroll along the river? I'll let you know.

poetry is no place for a heart that's a whore

2009-01-12T14:48:00.002-05:00

"What must their most secret prayers be like, these men who pray and prey and pray and prey? Do they live in anguish? They cause it, but do they live in it? In my most secret prayers I pray they do, even as I pray to be able to forgive them. To forgive him." --Kevin Sessums, Mississippi Sissy.

Note to self: you changed your windshield wiper blades today. According to the packaging, check them again in six months for nicks or cuts and replace as needed. Do not forget.

my best friend told me you're the best lick in town

2008-12-22T22:36:00.002-05:00

Do they still do shout-outs on the radio? I don't listen to a lot of radio these days, but I remember some great shout-outs coming through the speakers years ago. I hope they still do that.

I moved into my apartment in late October, and when it came time to decorate for Christmas a month later, I didn't feel like it, since I wasn't even finished doing my primary decorating. But now the primary decorating is done, and Chistmas is upon us, and I feel bad that I ignored my festive things this year, and I fear that in a couple months, I will regret not taking the time to decorate and I may feel that I let time slip through my hands. Is that a reason to finally decorate only a couple days before Christmas, knowing that I will need to undecorate just a few days later? Do I have the energy for that? Do I have the energy to not do it?

i wanna go to heaven for the weather and hell for the company

2008-12-11T19:41:00.004-05:00

I overslept this morning, and it just got worse from there. I didn't oversleep so much that I was late to work, but just enough to put that pit in your stomach that makes you feel rushed and uneasy all day.

So I moved to Muncie six weeks ago after accepting a job that I had wanted to do for years, that I cut off my life two years ago to go back to school to be able to do and put myself in a heap more debt to be able to do, and I enjoy the job (most days--though today was not one of them.) But when I moved here, I gave up a lot of the things and people I love, and today that feels really bad. Hopefully tomorrow it will feel more acceptable. I'm just having a bad day.

who needs love when there's southern comfort?

2008-11-23T21:27:00.002-05:00

I thought I would give you an update on that empty corner in my living room that I blogged about when last I blogged: it's still there.

With the Thanksgiving holiday upon us, I wanted to announce the winner of my Thanksgiving-Related Film Awards Best Picture: The Ice Storm. Many quotable quotes, great costumes, icy acting (the good kind of icy), and Christina Ricci trying to get it on while wearing a Nixon mask. If only my own holiday celebrations could be so successful. If you loathe family holidays like I do, you'll love this movie. (A quick shout-out to Gene Shallot for inspiring my wordplay there.)

Happy Thankgiving!

i cannot run from my family, they're hiding inside of me

2008-11-03T18:48:00.002-05:00

Many of you have asked how Muncie is working out, so I thought I would blog about my experience so far to calm the masses. My new job is going well, and living here is going just fine. I went out last weekend with some college students to a bar close to campus on Halloween and had a nice time just hanging out and trying to to feel too much older than them. I was in a college bar and didn't get carded, so that was pretty difficult, especially since the guy in front of me who looked about 45 got carded. I'm almost over it now though.

But Muncie isn't so bad. It's small and contained, and has most of the things I need within close proximity. My drive to work is along the river, and is especially pretty as the sun is setting with the fall-leaved trees lining the street.

I'm still trying to figure out how to put the furniture in my living room. I had everything set up, but a large corner of the room was filled with unpacked boxes, and as I unpack them, I realize more and more that I did not factor this third of the room into my decorating plan. But I'm being positive and telling myself that now I get to decorate twice. Yea!

now feel the fever as i leave you wanting more

2008-10-08T17:25:00.002-04:00

So apparently I'm moving to Muncie. Home of Ball State University. I have trouble saying that without giggling. Does that make me immature?

I bought The Ting Ting's "We Started Nothing" album a few days ago. If you like euro-garage-noise pop, you'll love this album. I know you all do. To find out if you'll enjoy it, find 3 CD players (or record players for you, Christoph) and put Toni Basil's "Mickey" on repeat, as well as The White Stripes and Garbage, and play all three of those competing sounds at the same time. If that makes you sing along and dance, then you may like The Ting Tings.

I just re-read this recommendation and I realize now why Rolling Stone didn't hire me to write album reviews. I apologize for the hate mail.

and if you take him back, i'm gonna lose my nerve

2008-09-23T16:21:00.002-04:00

Last night, I got home from work and there was a cat on my balcony. Normally, this wouldn't deserve a blog entry, but this case is special. I first heard said cat crying loudly and looked out to see that it had climbed about 5 feet high on the screen. Meanwhile, my own cat Tuesday was going crazy, hissing and whatnot. After a minute or so (are you visualizing with me or just reading?) said skinny gray cat climbed down and opened the screen with its un-de-clawed paw and tried to run inside. Was this cat hiungry, crazy, or love-starved? I didn't care to find out. I managed to grab the cat and put it back outside, closing the glass door, hoping the cat was not strong enough to open this door as it did the screen. I decided that if the cat was hungry, I could not deny it some food and water, so I tried to put some outside for it, but the cat would have none of it. Gray, as I will call him or her, got his or her head inside before I could close the door, so I was stuck trying to get the cat's head out without allowing the rest of the cat to get back inside, in which I was not successful. You probably think that this cat was acting wildly when he or she got inside, but you'd be wrong. Perfect lady/gentleman. So I got it back outside, and tried to forget the whole thing happened, though my Tuesday was still crouched in a corner hissing. End of a pointless story? Not yet.

For the next couple hours, it sounded like I was involved in a cat horror movie. Gray (did you forget I named the cat Gray? I did.) screamed and wailed and ran his or her claws along the window as if this cat was Freddy Krueger teasing me before coming inside to kill me. I managed to get the food and water out the second time without having Gray get his or her head inside my apartment, relieving some of my misplaced guilt. At some point in the night, Gray must have gone away, but the food I was able to put outside was eaten, so I hope that helped. Cat terrorism must end. Do your part, and hopefully they will leave us alone.

every little thing she does is magic

2008-09-08T20:05:00.003-04:00

Readers, I have just received the greatest news imaginable! Bush impeached finally? No. Troops all coming home? Nope. An end to hunger? Better! Ginger is back!!!! (see post: i'm so very hot that when i rob your mansion, you ain't call the cops you call the fire station.) I've missed you, Ginger!!!

i'm so very hot that when i rob your mansion, you ain't call the cops, you call the fire station.

2008-08-18T22:15:00.002-04:00

I miss GingerAmmon.com, but I don't know what to do about it.

you're out on the streets looking good, and baby deep down in your heart i guess you know that it ain't right

2008-08-17T19:38:00.003-04:00

Hey readers! I actually have things to write about today!!!

Firstly, I am no longer a student. I had my last class at the end of July. How exciting! To top off the graduation excitement, I flew off to New York for a week. I got to do some great things and spend time with my friends. I went to some wonderful museums, the Jersey shore (see above), got to see Avenue Q for my birthday, walked around a lot, and spent the night in an airport. All in all, it was a wonderful trip, though my storytelling ability today doesn't do it justice.

When I got home, I spent a couple days doing next to nothing, and then took my board exam. I passed. Yea! I'm also taking donations to offset the cost of the exam. E-mail me privately for details.

Thanks, readers! Without you, I'm nothing.

all i really want is some patience, a way to calm the angry voice. and all i really want is deliverance.

2008-07-24T16:04:00.002-04:00

I was just watching an episode of Dr. Phil (I know...) and there was an adult daughter on confronting her mother who did nothing to stop her stepfather from sexually abusing her for years. the mother just didn't get it. She found ways to shift blame away from herself, even away from the molestor, and onto her daughter. She acted as though her daughter should have been able (whether as a child or an adult) to fix herself and come to feel sorry for the mother for having to go through this. The poor mother. And the daughter was there trying to figure out how to forgive her mother for letting it happen. How do you forgive something like that? What is a parent good for when they look the other way or flat-out refuse to protect their child? How do you ever get over that?

When one such amazing foundation of parenting falls apart, how do you ever forgive them for that? Of course forgiveness is for yourself, to rid yourself of all that anger and bitterness and overall shittiness, but how do you forgive that? How can you ever let them off the hook for being a passive party to ruining your life? How can you ever look them in the eye? Hug them? Love them? Do they deserve anything from you?

and my friends were like whatever, you'll find someone better, his eyes were way too close together, and we never liked him from the start.

2008-07-22T16:30:00.002-04:00

Welcome back to my bog. I mean blog.

So I'm graduating from mortuary school in nine days. I didn't anticipate the pressure I'd feel. I went to school for a specific occupation and now I have to go do it, and what if I din't like it? Not tha tI think I won't like it, but what if I put myself in a heap of debt and wasted two years on it. Not that I did. I'm just saying. So I'm looking for a job. That sucks too. I'm being pressured at my current job to go ahead and leave so they can hire someone who actually wants to work there, not that I care. Except I do care. I still do a pretty good job. It's not like I just go sit and distract people every day. Except I do that sometimes. But so will the person they replace me with. I digress. The pressure. My lease is up in 5 weeks and I don't know where to move because I don't know where I'll be working. So I don't even know where to look at apartments, let alone whether I should just stay here. I'm also having trouble deciding whether to just stay drunk, take a lot of Xanax, or a combo. I just want to sing Natalie Cole songs all day.

i hear sadness inside you

2008-06-03T17:53:00.002-04:00

I don't understand how supposedly-counterculture people shop at Wal-Mart. I was driving today and saw a guy pulling out of Wal-Mart with all these bumper stickers on his car, covered in tattoos and crazy hair everywhere, and even some make-up (best I could tell). You make me sick, man.

you cleaned up, found jesus. things are good, or so i hear.

2008-05-29T19:20:00.003-04:00

I'm watching "The Family Guy" and there was just a scene of Stephen Hawking having sex. You should probably look on youtube to try to find that clip. Sick.

I've decided to make my blog more literal so that i can produce better metaphors.

everyone i know goes away in the end

2008-05-28T22:43:00.002-04:00

For about a year, I just couldn't decide what to do after school. Moving far away is such a big ordeal, but there's always that allure. But for the first time, perhaps, I feel some acceptance of my life here in Indianapolis. I think I might be happy here--or at least around here. Of course, there's no guarantee that I'll find a job here.

I'm such a control freak sometimes but there's so little I have control over right now. Maybe life is teaching me a lesson. Maybe I should just roll with the punches. I think I'm doing better with that. But there's constantly a rumbling in the pit of my stomach, a lingering nervousness that rarely fades. Even when you're established and settled down and all, there are no guarantees, but you at least know generally where your life is heading. I miss feeling that pseudo-guarantee. But I know that without change and giving up control, there can be no betterment.

Can I get an amen? Would that even be appropriate? You're all wonderful.

boy, you sure look pretty when you're putting the damage on

2008-05-27T20:59:00.002-04:00

I was running through thoughts to blog today but it was sounding far too Carrie Bradshaw. I guess that's the trouble with leading such a ritzy lifestyle. As a result, I'll try to be less Sex-y so as not to rip anyone off.

There are always things in your head that are hard to verbalize and I've been having lots of those lately (it's not just me, right?). Sometimes it's stuff you don't know how to put into words, and sometimes it's just stuff you don't look forward to saying or don't know who to say it to or when to say it, or things you want to say and feel stupid enough just for thinking them but it runs you crazy keeping them inside.

Was Carrie simply a writer with a column to write, or was she an exhibitionist whose friends couldn't provide any real answers so she had to plead to millions of people for validation of those hard-to-verbalize thoughts that most of us normally keep to ourselves? Was it internal strength that provided her the ability to bare her inner workings or was it an insecure search for acceptance?

I know Carrie wasn't real. But of course I am real, though perhaps a bit less ballsy or strong or insecure. Maybe that's why I don't have my movie yet. That, and I make far less sense.

they always said that sex would change you

2008-05-14T21:44:00.002-04:00

Personally, I like to hold things over people's heads. So when I see an opportunity, I go for it. Forgive me for being cryptic, but while I like to hold things over said heads, I don't like to be too obvious or intentionally embarrass anyone. That said, I'd just finished chatting with someone last night who asked me to go read his blog, and I started reading, and the blog started out on how the entry was inspired by chatting with someone. I thought, oh, I've inspired another person. How sweet! But then I continued to read, and clearly, I was not the inspiration. I hadn't had this conversation about dropsy, nor any other antiquated disease names or states of disease. Was I crushed? No. Was I surprise? No. Did I see an opportunity? Fuck yeah.

I'm going to leave things there for now. You know who you are. :-)

i'll only call you after if you say i can

2008-04-20T21:33:00.002-04:00

So what's up, loyal readers? I apologize for being such a tardy blogger. But so much has happened that I haven't had time to write, but I'll have to fill you in on those details another time. There's a much more pressing issue today that needs to be aired: anti-oxidents. They're all over the place these days. In wrinkle creams. Fortifying my pomegranate juice. I said wrinkly cream already? XXX Vitamin Water (which is pomegranate flavor.) Are anti-oxidents only drinkable when mixed with pomegranate or does pomegranate juice contain anti-oxidents. If it's natural, why do they tell us that it's fortified? I suppose we'll never know.

i'd like to put you in a trance.

2008-02-22T20:16:00.002-05:00

I made a wax face in Restorative Art today. I was trying to make it look like Dolly Parton, but it looked a lot more like an Easter Island head. Which is ok. They're both classics. And it's better than you did. Well, better than you would have done. Maybe.

I wrote a letter to my apartment complex saying that I would renew my lease for another 6 months if they give me the same rate I'm paying now. I've lived here for three years and they raise my rent every year, and I'm annoyed, but too tired to move. Do you think they fell for my bluff? I'm still waiting to find out. If not, is there someone who will let me live with them for 6 months until I graduate? If they give me a much higher rent after I've asked for mercy, I'd likely move no matter how much trouble it causes. Is there anyone out there who can help me pack and then paint my walls back to white and fill in all the holes in the walls? Is it too much to ask these days for a company to show some loyalty to someone who has paid their rent on time for three years and wants to keep doing it?

i can feel it in my bones: i'm gonna spend my whole life alone. fuck and run.

2008-01-08T22:51:00.000-05:00

I'm gonna wing it today. I usually have at least an idea of what I might write about before I begin a blog, but not today. I know what you're thinking. You're thinking I should go back and reread some of my posts and reconsider putting in here today that I have a plan when I begin. I know it's ludicrous.

Has anyone seen "Stardust"? It was great. I got it from Netflix and watched it a couple times. It's such a lovely and sweet fairy tale. It's an epic for chicks, which isn't normal, so I like that. And it stars Claire Danes as a star (an actual star from the sky). I watched the special features like any dork would who has just seen a movie he loves, and Claire was interviewed and was asked how she explained to the director the way in which she would make her character seem star-like. It's worth watching the movie and special features just for her response. I won't spoil it.

So that's my spontaneous thought.

Also, what the fuck is the deal with the media making such a big deal out of some politician-cum-president-wannabe winning a caucus in a small northern state and then everyone saying that other politicians-cum-president-wannabe might as well pack up and go home? Didn't Pat Buchanan win a few primaries back in his day? It's ridiculous.

Sorry to get political. Go Hillary.

straight up now tell me do you really wanna love me forever?

2007-12-25T20:57:00.000-05:00

What a last couple weeks it has been, readers! Another semester of school has ended, which means I am now one step closer to becoming America's Next Top Mortician. Watch out, Clyde from Barstow!

Next, I went to Vegas. It was my first time. Had a great time. Saw some showgirls. Saw David Ruprecht, host of Supermarket Sweep. Saw some dead bodies. What more can I ask for in a two-day trip?

Ah, and then it was Christmas. Sweet sweet Christmas. Blech.

Any questions?

feminists don't have a sense of humour.

2007-12-01T18:19:00.000-05:00

I got to go see Nellie McKay a few days ago. In spite of my embarrassment of overusing "awesome" from my last post, I must say again, that the concert was awesome. Why bother using a thesaurus, right? I have a total woman-crush on her.

Anyway, how was everyone's Thanksgiving?

nothing ever smells of roses when it rises out of ruins

2007-11-05T23:32:00.000-05:00

I went to an IMAX movie for the first time this weekend. It was "Sea Monsters in 3D" and it was awesome. The only other 3D movie I'd ever seen was "Friday the 13th Part 3" and it just wasn't the same. I felt like such a dork for being so excited during and after having seen it. I kept saying "that was awesome." Why can't I be more eloquent? Am I really such a big dork?

it was a slap in the face how quickly i was replaced

2007-10-10T16:38:00.000-04:00

Hello, readers!

I've been meaning to blog about some wonderful words of wisdom I heard on a documentary about grieving the loss of a child. True, these are all taken out of context, but believe me when I say that they were even more meaningful in context. There is nothing like these gems when dealing with the death of your child. I hope you can find all these words meaningful in your own lives.

"Human hearts break open. They don't break closed."

"Joy and sorrow are the scalpels God uses to open your heart."

"Depression is frozen anger."

"Grieving is the way to heal a heart that's been broken."

"Cursing is a form of prayer. It lets God know how you're feeling."

"We need to find a way to weave the words 'grieving' and 'healing' together."

"Any time we depress one feeling, we depress them all. Depression is a feeling we haven't allowed to come out."

"Stop and look at the rainbow."

"It's not easy to love, but it's the most real thing in the universe."

"Support the fertileness of your own soul."

"When you honor [your dead child's] soul, you honor your soul."

"Grieving is like having an empty teacup inside. You can't feel a teacup that's already full."

Feel free to comment on which ones would help you heal.

Your friend,

Joey

see the retard girl cross-eyed in the schoolyard

2007-09-10T20:57:00.000-04:00

My how time flies, dear readers. I have now had my blog here for over a year, and I can proudly say I now have two regular readers. Such a time might cause me to reflect on the happenings of the last year, all their goings-on and such.

I said "might."

I don't really have a lot going on right now. Still trucking along in mortuary school. I bought a new laptop, but still use dial-up. And I still don't want to talk about the last year.

she turns and says "are you alright?" i said "i must be fine 'cause my heart's still beating."

2007-08-14T22:40:00.000-04:00

I don't know what to say today.

if you don't have a song to sing, you're ok

2007-08-14T00:25:00.000-04:00

I pledge to you, dear readers, that after a string of downers, this post is gonna be off the chain. Well, I don't like to overpromise, so let's just say it's gonna be wiggity-wiggity-wiggity whack. I don't like that either. You know what, fuck it. I'm not even gonna say anything. I ruined it. Just like I ruin everything. Just like I've ruined everything for the last 28 years (yes, I had a birthday for those of you who forgot.) So enough is enough.

And scene.

That, dear readers, is drama. Gaze into my eyes and see the tears I was able to produce. Take that, Juliane Moore! Take that, Nicole Kidman! Take that, Chloe Sevingy! You call that emoting, Meryl Streep?

That's what I thought.

you look so fine. i want to break your heart and give you mine.

2007-08-01T17:51:00.000-04:00

I used to watch this cheesy show during my lunch breaks called "Starting Over." It was a show where women would move into this house in order to deal with some aspect of their life they were having trouble with. Ideally, they would work cooperatively with a therapist and the other women to reslove issues and one day graduate from the house. A big part of all their journeys involved finding the root cause of all the troubles in their lives, and though it wasn't an easy journey from there, they could at least deal with all the fallout from that root cause.

As long as I can remember, I've been a negative, fearful, angry, self-depricating person who uses humor to attempt to get people not to delve deeper, to only think I'm funny and a bit weird and move along. The one thing I am best at is pushing people away so they--and I--don't have to deal with anything on a deeper level. Not many people stick around to find out anything real.

I'm trying to be more open lately in an attempt to leave some of the bad stuff behind. I've driven myself crazy for years and I wonder what horrible things I've said to people and done to people without even realizing it--sometimes I do realize it. But you can't get better until you start to try.

like a fresh battery, i'm energized by you

2007-07-27T20:38:00.000-04:00

Hello lucky readers. Not much going on lately. My summer semester of school ended a couple days ago, so only one more year to go (hopefully). My summer classes were pretty easy, so it's going to be tough getting back into the swing of things once the real classes start back up in a few weeks. But I am strong. I am invincible. I am one hell of a pissant.

i dropped acid on a saturday night just to see what the fuss was about

2007-07-15T22:25:00.000-04:00

There are things that happen in life that completely destroy your chances. It's crazy how something you almost don't even remember can affect so many parts of your life. you can learn from a very early age how to not get too close and how to drive people away and how to shut down and fuck it all away. and keep trying to push it all down and not remember.

i'm gonna lock my son up in a tower till i write my whole life story on the back of his big brown eyes

2007-06-24T02:58:00.000-04:00

You know who you are. You know what's wrong. You can't keep going on like this. You know what you need to do. You know what you need to change. You know what you have to change. This is all for you. This is all about you.

You're a watchdog, and I need you to be an intruder. It can't go on like this.

my lover, i'd rather be under than getting over you

2007-06-18T21:20:00.000-04:00

I finally started reading the first Harry Potter book. I know. Where have I been? I must say I'm enjoying it. I don't really like reading a book after I've seen the movie version though, because then you just end up relying on the imagination of the movie makers instead of your own. But I like it anyway.

you'll never gain weight from a doughnut hole

2007-06-11T21:49:00.000-04:00

I really only wanted to post an entry so that I could use the doughnut hole line. Unfortunately the last few days have slipped by with little to no accomplishment; thereby, I have little to discuss. Should I just offer up a word or two about Kevin O'Connor from PBS' "This Old House"? No? Well, ok. I was only trying to open up a discussion.

like Prince said you're a sexy mother--

2007-06-08T21:54:00.000-04:00

Oh readers, where do I begin?

My sister's wedding went pretty well. I was making a misery of myself in the beginning of the reception, but then started to get caught up in the moment and got myself drunk on Crown and Coke and danced--to be more specific, I ruled the dance floor (wasn't able to get myself laid though.) Nearly a week later, I am still in a bit of pain. A John Travolta-style knee slide may look cool, but it's really not good for the joints. But your only sister doesn't get married every day, right? It was great to get to share that time with her just acting crazy. Being a stick-in-the-mud doesn't afford me that many opportunities to behave so. I'm sorry more people weren't able to see it.

So readers, now it is your turn to share some wild and crazy recent experiences. It's as easy as 1-2-3! Just click on the comments and tell us all something new and interesting about yourself.

(And Christoph, you know you've always been my favorite. I guess it's your sweet sweet face.)

don't bother. i won't die of deception.

2007-05-28T20:37:00.000-04:00

Sometimes I think my blog serves as nothing more than evidence of my moodiness. I'm just glad that it's interesting enough to keep the three of you coming back for more.

one two three four tell me that you love me more

2007-05-27T20:42:00.000-04:00

A mouring dove hatched a couple of eggs on my balcony and the babies flew away today. (I'm not being metaphorical. It's actually just a statement.)

My sister is getting married in a few days. I never understood why people cry at weddings, but I tear up when I think about it. My sister is obviously the person I've spent the most time with in my life. We were always close, and even though we have been talking more lately than we have in a few years, it just seems like some sort of loss to know she's going to be married. Married people are different. She won't have the same last name anymore. She'll be part of her own newly-defined family. Once you're married, your family is another set of people. You get older, you have kids, you start to call your family the people who live under your roof. Except I get older, and I am more alone all the time. I'll never have that "family." I'm a sad, weird, slightly-pathetic introvert who can't even say any of this stuff out loud. My favorite friend is half-way across the world and just got engaged. The best friend I have in the city doesn't need me nearly as much as I need him. And I try to make new friends or date and most of the time can't figure out exactly which category someone is trying to fit me into, though usually it is neither. And the worst part is that I don't blame them. So welcome to the pity party-boat. Get off while you still can.

i'm half alive but i feel mostly dead.

2007-05-23T18:07:00.000-04:00

Do you sense it, dear readers? It's a beautiful summer day outside and I have a brand-new reader. Cookies and punch! Can everyone give Ms. New Reader a nice warm welcome? You may remember her from one of my first-ever posts as a wonderful character that goes by the likes of Nurse Kill. In case you don't remember the particular post, let me refresh your memory as so. I had a little problem with obsessing over phrases that might sound more demented coming from a nurse with her particular last name, par example: "Hello, Little Jimmy. My name is Nurse Kill. Your mommy was very sick when she came into the hospital." I'll let you finish that conversation in your own heads, but it doesn't bode well for Little Jimmy.

I'm freezing, I'm starving, I'm bleeding to death. Everything's fine.

2007-05-20T21:17:00.000-04:00

Dear readers, I do not wish to alert you, but your beloved blogger has fallen ill. Some say it's just a mild summer cold, but in this age of tuberculosis and smallpox, one cannot be too careful!

My classes start back on Wednesday. Nothing too difficult this summer--just a drole computer class and sociology. I've been looking for a proctor to take the classes for me, but nothing yet. The search continues.

Who you callin' a cootie queen, you lint licker? (my favorite chewing gum commercial)

Take care, readers! Until next time, be safe, be mobile, and--most of all--be able!

on the surface simplicity

2007-05-15T00:24:00.000-04:00

Could everyone who reads this please make me one promise: see Bjork live. Whether you like her or not. I realize she doesn't tour very often, so even if you have to go to Iceland and knock on her door and hand her a check and ask her to sing a little ditty for you, do so. Of course, I completely adore her, so you may not care about my opinion. But just listen to this objective bystander: "Bjork is amazing. Long live Bjork." See. I told you.

they say I'm plump but I throw up all the time

2007-05-04T20:42:00.000-04:00

I finished my second semester of my return to school a couple days ago. I'm on vacation from work next week, and I am doing my job shadowing thing with an embalmer. I can't wait. And then I'm going to see Bjork in Chicago (she's performing in Chicago, not the musical Chicago--though wouldn't that be fun?). She's pretty much my favorite person in the whole world, so obviously, more excitement. Let the happiness ensue!

the sky was made of amethyst and the stars look just like little fish

2007-04-16T19:39:00.000-04:00

I was reading a story in Augusten Burroughs' Magical Thinking today. It's a wonderful little story where he's been dating someone for a few weeks and has quickly fallen in love but is obsessed with trying to figure out how the other guy feels about him. And there's this really wonderful line or two: "I don't want to know what my feelings are until I know what his are. Somehow I know this can't be right." I hate sounding like one of those people who reads something or hears something and suddenly thinks THAT'S SO ME but it happened. Everybody probably feels that way though. Just let me say, this once, that I feel it more. Why be so afraid of feelings and even hide them and suppress them because of insecurity? (As I reread that sentence, suddenly it seems like an okay excuse...) What if the other person is doing the same thing? Are we all equally crazy?

hair's too long and in your eyes, your lips a perfect suck-me size

2007-04-15T19:10:00.000-04:00

Not a very productive day today. But I got up at 9:00 and gave myself a haircut. I guess that can be of note. Did some painting. Staved off my Mountain Dew craving. What more do you want from me?

There is nothing to fear but fear itself. But it can really get you, so watch out.

that i would be good even if I gain 10 pounds

2007-04-11T18:18:00.000-04:00

I have to find a mortuary to do some observations in. Before I take any real mortuary classes, apparently I'm supposed to find out if I'm going to pass out or stab myself with dirty needles and have someone "official" swear that in their professional opinion, i won't.

On a lighter note, this semester is almost over and I've done pretty well, considering my life of debauchery and constant rutting.

these stories don't mean anything if I've got no one to tell them to

2007-04-10T18:26:00.000-04:00

I haven't had a Mountain Dew in almost 2 days. I would stay away from me if I were you.

averageeverydaysanepsychosupergoddess

2007-04-08T22:51:00.000-04:00

An Easter play, in one act.

God: Hey, Joey!
Joey, surprised: Oh, hi God. I didn't see you there.
God: No problem.
Joey: So what's up?
God: Not too much. Just thought I'd check in.
Joey: Thanks.
God: You know, you're going to be okay someday.
Joey: When? When I'm dead?
God, chuckling: Well, no, not then...
Joey: Hey, that's not funny. (Pauses) Well, it sorta is. So God has a sense of humor.
God: Where do you think you got it from? Nice ass, by the way.

i said brrrr! it's cold in here

2007-04-05T23:03:00.000-04:00

there must be some clovers in the atmosphere.

nothing to write...

do you love your guns? god? government? Fuck you.

2007-03-30T22:03:00.000-04:00

Some of you, dear readers, may have noticed that I use different song lyrics for the titles of my entries. Are there any you'd like to see here? An artist or song you'd like to promote? My blog reaches millions of readers. This is your chance to get the word out!

falling in love again, never wanted to. what am i to do? i can't help it.

2007-03-27T19:59:00.000-04:00

What do you wear to meet a nudist?

I'm feeling a bit better now that I did when I wrote here a few days ago.

Nothing really new to report.

i wash the windows outside in hopes that the glare will bring you around

2007-03-23T21:10:00.000-04:00

I haven't done any paintings in quite a while. I started drawing on a canvas a couple days ago, so we'll see if anything turns up. I think it's a drawing of my ex, even though it wasn't intended to be. I guess it doesn't have to be him. We've been attempting a friendship after not speaking for a year and a half after we broke up. Still not sure where's that's going to go. It's hard to forget some things, but when you loved someone that much, those things you loved are still there. That's hard to admit. It was nice sometimes when we weren't talking because I could pretend he was a piece of shit, but talking to him reminds me that he's not.

i got pills that are blue i got pills that are red i got pills that will make me forget what i said

2007-03-21T23:57:00.000-04:00

I've wanted a massage for several months now but apparently they all come with hand jobs, etc. now. I'm not going to pay for a handjob, etc.

We need another celebrity death to focus on.

i opened up my wrist and nobody knows by name

2007-03-21T22:32:00.000-04:00

I'm in no mood to be funny today. Maybe I will be anyway. I've just been frustrated lately with everything and frustrated for not getting the things in life I want and for not even trying to get the things I want. I'm a fucking mess and it never gets any different no matter the times I tell myself it is or it will. there's just a series of people who don't understand and who think they do and then run away when they figure out the truths. and i don't really understand either. i just pretend to have control. i make things up. i could eat a thousand acres of ice cream and nothing will get any different. i'll just get fatter. and people don't even pretend anymore.

anyway, Rickie Lee Jones has an amazing new album called "Sermon on Exposition Blvd." go buy it.

the only one who could ever groove me was the son of a preacher man

2007-03-06T16:36:00.000-05:00

I touched an ovary today. Can anyone top that?

what the fuck is ladylike if ladies like to do what the fuck they like?

2007-03-05T23:01:00.000-05:00

I sit here hoping the words will come pouring out, brilliantly, perhaps even breathtakingly. It always seems to turn out, though, that in hiding what I really want to go on and on about, nothing else comes out. But I'm too reserved to talk about what I don't want to put out there for the several people who read this. Or the several other people who might read this but probably never will.

Here's something: I filled out my renewal FAFSA for school next year, and apparently I'm supposed to contribute over $9000.00 for myself. So in other words, I should be self-sufficient enough to not need the goverment. But people who don't work get money thrown at them. At least some of them. I'm glad there is help out there for people who truly need it; I just wish I could be one of those people sometimes.

Enough whining. I'm tired of people whining. I'm tired of myself whining. I think I need to get away from myself for a couple days. I can create a character and play the role. Maybe I'll like it better than the real me.

wargasm, wargasm 1-2-3, tie a yellow ribbon 'round the amputee

2007-02-16T23:45:00.000-05:00

Do you, dear readers, know the pressure I place on myself to keep you coming back?

I've been eating tainted peanut butter. Yes, I have a 2111 on my lid. Don't panic, faithful reader. I feel fine. After a foot of snow, did ConAgra Foods really think a nasty case of salmonella would keep me down? I feel like standing on a table yelling Sally Field-ish chants. I feel that good.

I've cut back on work hours again, so this post is also a call to action. I need money.

spinning spinning before i can recall all the unknown chemicals control the cycle

2007-01-28T22:52:00.000-05:00

I finally started my homework that I should've started days ago. Finished a lab report on T-streaking, which sounds like something i'd like to do, but really have no interest in. I do have a lab buddy, though, whose name alone makes class exciting. She is a nursing student with the last name of Kill, which of course will make her Nurse Kill. I can sit for hours (with nothing better to do) imagining "Nurse Kill" being used in sentences in a clinical setting. In an abortion clinic: "Nurse Kill will be right with you." In the children's ward of a hospital: "Nurse Kill will be right with you." There are minor variations on the actual sentence; I mainly just come up with new situations, as you can read for yourself. "Nurse Kill will be assisting with your surgery today." "Hi, I'm Nurse Kill. Unfortunately your niece didn't make it through the night."

Well, it's late, and I still have to read about cell metabolism. As if I will really be able to concentrate now that I've gotten started on Nurse Kill dialogues again.

my bologna has a first name

2007-01-03T18:45:00.000-05:00

A few days ago, I made myself a nice tator tot casserole. My stomach didn't think it was nice though. I spent all night very violently expelling it. It still hurts to take deep breaths. Apparently, my stomach thinks it's too good for the tot-erole. I guess you really can become less white trash-y. I've come a long way since the spam of my youth.

you will always be my whore, 'cause you're the one that i adore.

2006-12-20T21:43:00.000-05:00

I am now one step closer to being America's Next Top Mortician. I had my finals last week for my first semester back in school, and I did quite well if i must say so myself. Wouldn't Next Top Mortician be a great TV show, though? Let's see who would host... I think it would definately be Ron Smith of Saint Louis. The work he does is incredible. A string of goths and emo boys would be guest judges. Janice Dickinson could probably be on it too.

So Christmas is in a few days. I found some gorge Christmas lights at Menards that are--are you ready?--pigs. That's right, I said pigs. They also had fishing lures, ears of corn, John Deere tractors, camping trailers, and many many more. I nearly did something in my pants when I saw them all. (I'll let you decide what I almost did in my pants.)

hangin' tough! hangin' tough! hangin' tough! we're rough (rough, rough)!

2006-11-16T19:12:00.000-05:00

(Here you go Christoph.) So I went to K-Mart today because I needed a new phone. I thought, why not K-Mart? So I went to the ghetto-est of all K-Marts in Indianapolis. What a statement... And I am now the proud owner of a new phone.

That's all the K-Mart stories you'll have to suffer through today, dear readers. There's one other story I want to tell, but I'm not completely sure I want it out there for the world. I think I'll keep it to myself, at least for now.

I saw some dumbfuck geeks (that's how I've referred to them today) camping outside Best Buy today in the cold and rain. Of course, those playstations or x-boxes or whatever they're waiting for will get a hefty multi-thousand dollar profit on e-bay, but as I said, it's cold and rainy and they don't go on sale until tomorrow.

it's been seven hours and fifteen days

2006-11-11T19:35:00.000-05:00

Nothing really new to report. Hopefully my blog isn't losing steam. I started off so strong, what with the wit and the charm and the good looks (you could just tell by reading, right?). I'll be back. Don't worry, readers. Feel free to post encouraging comments. I do enjoy encouraging comments.

if i should stay, I would only be in your way

2006-10-27T22:13:00.000-04:00

I saw my first cadaver today. Very exciting. I was trying not to smile but I couldn't help it. Sick, right?

i can't stop messin' with the danger zone

2006-10-19T21:46:00.000-04:00

I didn't really have anything to post on here today, but I've been listening to Cyndi Lauper and had the urge to post a message with that lyric. I suppose I could stick with the topic of said lyric, but I doubt that you, dear readers (who are multiplying!), want to read about that. Yes, readers, I mean masturbation.

There's really only one direction to go once you're glassed over masturbation, and I think we all know what direction that is: actual sex with another person. And I just have one thing to say on that topic. Rivers Cuomo, if you're out there and you're reading this, the rumors are true...

Good night, sweethearts.

and when it lands, will my eyes be closed or open?

2006-10-19T00:23:00.000-04:00

I had an unbelieveably shitty day at work, and when I got home, my copy of "Even Cowgirls Get the Blues" had arrived from Netflix broken almost completely in half. Come on!

it's not a habit, it's cool. i feel alive.

2006-10-10T20:26:00.000-04:00

I'm still not convinced that I need a blog. But I have one. So here I go again.

I met a spicy single mother in one of my classes. Her birthday is next weekend and I bought her a light-up Halloween pen. I've only known her for a few days, so forgive me for spending only a couple dollars. Plus, I bought one for myself too, so we can be pen-buddies in class. How hot is that? We exchanged noted all day last week like middle-school girls, except with more adult topics. Probably not as unlike middle school girls as I assume... Anyway, I don't talk to a lot of new people, so that's what makes this a story.

I feel such a responsibility to make my little entries so enjoyable for both of you, dear readers. I do hope I succeed.

we all live in mono

2006-09-25T20:06:00.000-04:00

So an old friend came to town this past weekend. We had gotten into a big fight a few years ago and had barely spoken since then. I come off looking a little bad in the story so I won't get into it. But it was good and weird to reconnect. I'm normally a person who cuts other people out of my life just because I'm a bitch, so it was refreshing to let someone back in. Anyway, it was a nice weekend.

And that's how you tell a story, people.

this is what you get when you mess with us

2006-09-15T14:00:00.000-04:00

Being a non-traditional student is so much different that when I went to college right out of high school. I get so angry at the 18-year-olds and their self-centered rudeness. I hope I didn't come off that way at 18. Though I did use to fall asleep in class sometimes (not on purpose though) and I guess that was pretty bad. A guy in my math class yesterday actually just put his head down and went to sleep before class even started and then left half-way through. Why even come? No one forces you to go to class. And when he's awake, he's openly assholic to the professor. And yes, it's a 3-hour math class and it's hard to get through it, but every single week, it's only we 5 old folks still in class at the end. Every week. Irritating. I can't wait to get my hands on a cadaver.

colonel sanders says it best: "finger lickin' good"

2006-09-10T21:04:00.000-04:00

With tomorrow being the 5-year anniversary of September 11th, I guess now would be as good a time as any to debate whether Peyton Manning is hot or not, and why.

So as not to bias this otherwise-scientific survey, and to uphold my jounalistic-ish integrity, I will keep my opinion to myself. I think it's better that way.

(I apologize for the change in fonts for this post. I'm trying to find a signature style to keep you both coming back for more.)

i crossed an ocean for a heart of gold

2006-09-09T19:37:00.000-04:00

It just took me about 20 minutes to figure out how to log back in here to post again, so I hope it is worth it to probably the only two people who will read this (shout out to c+c, and no, not the music factory featuring martha wash on vocals--you may also have unconsciously recognized that voice as the singer from "it's raining men" fyi).

anyhow, I just had a nice dinner/dessert of chopped up bananas with chocolate syrup and crushed cookies. I'm out of ice cream or it might have been good. I'm searching my head for a better story to tell but I can't think of one. I also had some one percent milk. And then I looked for my Marilyn Manson CD but I can't find it for some reason. Have you seen it? It was shiny on one side and had some freaky picture on the other side. It was in my car but I've been looking in there for several days now because I wanted to listen to Disposable Teens (and they truly are, all of them) and apparently I didn't bring it inside. I didn't think I had, but since it wasn't in the car, where else could it have been? Apparently somewhere else altogether.

I really think I have a fresh new perspective to add to the blogging world.

i made it through the wilderness

2006-09-07T22:16:00.000-04:00

I've finally joined the cutting edge world of blogging. What has taken me so long...? Lack of anything to say? Of course not. Fear that not one person in the whole world would ever read anything I say? Wrong again. Wondering if it required a sense of self-importance to think anyone would visit and keep up with me? Still no. Stay tuned for the real answer!!!

(Hint: It may be "all of the above.")