he's got chicken liver balls. he's got chicken liver spleen.

It seems like it has rained, snowed, or iced every day for the last 32 months or so. Area goth people must be loving it. I do not. It's not like I sit out in the sun getting tan, but it's nice when sunshine peeks through the curtains as I lay on the couch on my day off.

Today, the sole fell off one of my shoes as I was walking around at work (damn vegan shoes), and I had to spend the rest of the day walking around in a shoe with no sole (on a body with no soul.) It was uncomfortable for a few minutes, but then it felt sort of nice, only having a thin pleather layer of material between my foot and the floor. I wish floors were all free of debris so that I could just wear socks. I would buy some awesome socks. I already have some awesome socks, but no one ever sees them. That's unfortunate, really.

life is a cabaret, old chum

For years, I thought Liza Minnelli was just a joke. Not a good joke. She was clearly a pill addict. her love life was strange, to say the least. She did bad reality TV about said love life. I thought she was really only famous because she was Judy Garland's daughter. Then came "Arrested Development," where I really came to respect her. She wasn't afriad to make fun of herself, and showed an outstanding comic talent. And after all, being the child of a celebrity doesn't really mean you can have a long successful career. I had been too hard on her. Plus, my beloved Courtney Love is the addict of all addicts, so who am I to judge?

So I saw that she was coming to my fair city to perform alongside the Indianapolis Symphony Orchestra, and I thought, "What a novel idea. I should go." So I did. I really didn't know that much about her early career. yes, I saw Cabaret, but that was about it. I didn't get the best seats in the house, and I was fine with that. I was only going as a casual fan.

She was outstanding. Singing, dancing, joking around, oozing love for her fans. I could see the twinkle in her eye from row KK in the balcony. I haven't smiled so big for so long perhaps ever.

People don't become legends by accident. We should go see them in person every chance we get. It makes us all better.

clearly i remember picking on the boy. seemed a harmless little fuck.

Committed relationships are only good for financial purposes, I think. And then, only in the case of multiple incomes. Otherwise, I'm not sure I get the draw of it all. Sure, it would be nice to have an activity companion sometimes, but often it's exciting to live more spontaneously. Do I want to always be a "Joey and Whoever"? Of course it's nice to feel loved by someone. But it's also nice to not have to compromise.

I ate unfrosted shredded wheat with Hershey's syrup for dinner and I didn't have to explain why to anyone. It tasted damn good. Was it as nice as cuddling on the couch watching a good movie with someone who loves me? Perhaps not. But was it better than cuddling on the couch with someone who I'm not sure still feels the same passion for me as he used to? Definately.

me and a gun and a man on my back, and i sang "holy holy" as he buttoned down his pants.

For those who are unaware, I have a new job and a new place to live. After two long years in Muncie, I am making an official return to Indianapolis. It's pretty exciting, really. I told myself when I moved here that it was only temporary, but it was starting to seem like I was getting stuck, so happily I can report that I am not stuck. I already started the new job, which is going well, and will be moving soon. Not everything about moving to Muncie was bad though. I think I've made a lot of personal progress that might not have been possible if I hadn't been stuck in isolation here. So there's that.

we dance to the beat of bad kissers clinking teeth

I had a wonderful trip to San Francisco. What a beautiful place for a city. Why would anyone want to live anywhere else? Cost. Housing is ridiculously expensive, but probably worth it. Let's all just move there together. If we pool our money, we can get a 2-bedroom apartment. :)

Almost immediately after I returned from my trip, I went for a job interiew at a firm in Indianapolis, which went well, as I have accepted the position. i'm very excited about getting back to Indy. Living in Muncie always felt like a temporary thing, so I never invested much of myself into living here, so it always felt like I was wasting my life being here. So it's a relief for that to be coming to an end. I have appointments on Saturday to look at a few places, but I can commute until I get moved.

And finally, Robyn has released "Body Talk, Part 2," the second of three ep's she's putting out this year. There is simply no better pop music being created right now. Who knew that the girl singing "Show Me Love" when I was in high school would end up making such fantastic music. Since I'll never write enough blog posts to use some of the lines I want to use for titles, I'll put a couple here. "Even the Vatican knows not to fuck with me." "Some snitch punk at legal aid stole my voucher for court clothes." "Can I get a beat-beat for all of my whachamacallits doing whatever and with whomever they like." "We dance to the beat of your brain not evelving fast enough." "We need a black pope and she better be a woman. better be no more celibacy."

Thanks for indulging me.

there'll be no strings to bind your hands, not if my love can't bind your heart

Twice today I was able to get a fly to light on my finger so that I could walk it outside to safety. I told them they would die inside if they did not allow me to assist them in getting back outside, and they lit on my fingertip and rested there until I made it outside. Try it sometime. I don't want to be the only fly whisperer. Let me know your results.

when the glitter fades in morning, turn away and you will find my empty eyes

(me, on the left, with Courtney)

I know Courtney Love comes up a lot on here for some reason. I just finished watching her Behind the Music and it's odd how she can make me feel so manic and sad and empowered and resolved and suicidal and full with a single sentence. I think she really is my Jesus. I think this is how people feel about Jesus.

When I was in college and MTV created M2 to play more alternative stuff, there was a day called "24 Hours with Courtney Love" where she hosted the channel for 24 straight hours, only taking a small nap where they re-played the Unplugged that Hole did and some past performances from the VMAs and stuff. I remember being ready for bed when I was still flipping through channels and discovered this day-long thing was on. But I watched the entire 24 hours and never made it to bed. Sometimes I wonder how the world would react if Jesus lived today claiming that his virgin mother birthed him and that if you want to get to this heaven, the only way is through him. At the very least, he'd be a punchline. Jeff Foxworthy would probably have a comedy special all about it. The Manson girls would re-dedicate their lives to Jesus and we would not think of it as any improvement. I learned from a very early age that "trust me" and "follow me" and "i would never hurt you" and "believe in me" are all shit, so is that why I can only put my faith in Courtney, because she learned the same things? I am raised up in her (forgive the josh groban cliche). There's gotta be a light at the end, right? Even if the light is only for a cigarette. And I don't smoke.

I'm sure Jesus gave a lot of crappy sermons that didn't make the cut for the Bible. Do you ever wonder what they were about? The uninspired ones. The ones unworthy of so much red ink to make you really concentrate when you're reading. (I just stopped myself from the probably blasphemy of making my post in red font.) Surely there were more sermons than are in the Bible, or did he go around from city to city preaching the same one over and over? I've never thought about this until now, so if there's an actual answer to this stuff, I don't think I want to know.

Speaking of things I worship, Ginger sent me an awesome coffee mug. It's a baby-blue replica of the pink one she posted on here blog that I shamelessly commented my adoration about. Ginger is awesome. So is the mug.

Thanks for reading.

i've laid with the devil, cursed god above, forsaken heaven to bring you my love.

also, i've lost 60 pounds and weigh less than i weighed when i graduated high school. but don't let the picture fool you: i didn't find god.

i'm sipping propane topped with a cherry.

i think i just don't get life.

meanwhile, robyn has a new 8-song album that is brilliant. i am calling it dorky electropop.

back to the first stuff though. my mood swings are significant anymore. i had a good last few days, or was i just acting the part of being functional? i never know. sometimes it feels real and sometimes it doesn't. am i feeling what i feel when i feel it, or am i always empty and then convince myself that the better days are really empty too and fake? how do people have normal lives? how do they build a life without debilitating panic or dark clouds? can the emptiness ever go away once it's there? what if empty is my normal like other people's normal is content? it hurts less than it used to, but i don't think that's good.

buy robyn's album.

is she pretty on the inside?

Last night, I was in the front row for an amazing Hole concert in Nashville. Courtney touched my hand twice and poured water on me. It felt like a baptism for an atheist. They did a great mix of old and new songs, and even some covers like "Feelin' Good" and "Closer." And my favorite song of theirs--and perhaps my favorite song ever--"Plump." I wish I could describe the show better but I don't even have words for how much it meant to me.

And I got to take a couple days off work and had a great time in Nashville. I put a bunch of pictures on my facebook. I'm sure anyone reading this has access to that so I won't post them here. I thought of moving to Nashville a few years back and going there again made me wonder a bit why I didn't.