all i really want is some patience, a way to calm the angry voice. and all i really want is deliverance.

I was just watching an episode of Dr. Phil (I know...) and there was an adult daughter on confronting her mother who did nothing to stop her stepfather from sexually abusing her for years. the mother just didn't get it. She found ways to shift blame away from herself, even away from the molestor, and onto her daughter. She acted as though her daughter should have been able (whether as a child or an adult) to fix herself and come to feel sorry for the mother for having to go through this. The poor mother. And the daughter was there trying to figure out how to forgive her mother for letting it happen. How do you forgive something like that? What is a parent good for when they look the other way or flat-out refuse to protect their child? How do you ever get over that?

When one such amazing foundation of parenting falls apart, how do you ever forgive them for that? Of course forgiveness is for yourself, to rid yourself of all that anger and bitterness and overall shittiness, but how do you forgive that? How can you ever let them off the hook for being a passive party to ruining your life? How can you ever look them in the eye? Hug them? Love them? Do they deserve anything from you?

and my friends were like whatever, you'll find someone better, his eyes were way too close together, and we never liked him from the start.

Welcome back to my bog. I mean blog.

So I'm graduating from mortuary school in nine days. I didn't anticipate the pressure I'd feel. I went to school for a specific occupation and now I have to go do it, and what if I din't like it? Not tha tI think I won't like it, but what if I put myself in a heap of debt and wasted two years on it. Not that I did. I'm just saying. So I'm looking for a job. That sucks too. I'm being pressured at my current job to go ahead and leave so they can hire someone who actually wants to work there, not that I care. Except I do care. I still do a pretty good job. It's not like I just go sit and distract people every day. Except I do that sometimes. But so will the person they replace me with. I digress. The pressure. My lease is up in 5 weeks and I don't know where to move because I don't know where I'll be working. So I don't even know where to look at apartments, let alone whether I should just stay here. I'm also having trouble deciding whether to just stay drunk, take a lot of Xanax, or a combo. I just want to sing Natalie Cole songs all day.