god made me a cannibal to fix problems like you

A couple days ago at work, I was having a discussion about the ethics of a situation, and a co-worker made a statement about how it was strange (I think strange was the word he used) that I (of all people) would want to talk about ethics. You know, the gay atheist on staff (or gaytheist, as I now refer to myself). I assume his insinuation dealt more with the atheism, but I'm not really sure: they're not much different to a lot of people. As if a person needs a god watching over them demanding that they do the right thing lest they be punished to know right from wrong. I do the right thing because it's the right thing, because it's what should be done, because it's how I want to be treated. But I forget sometimes that I am constantly being judged and questioned no matter how ethically I behave.

I took the high road after his comment and didn't reply. I normally am quite vocal in my responses to such things anymore, and frankly, I HATE the high road (the low road makes my tummy slightly queasy in a good way that I like). But in taking the high road, I was judging him for his small-mindedness, so I was really on the normal road. And I'm fine with that.

when you leave me alone in this world you know that i'm in hell

i remember kissing before it came with hands below the waist, when it was the farthest things were going to go, when making out was the bliss and a new connection could be innocent. i'd like to be able to cling to anything innocent, but i know it's too late and that's never going to happen again. i don't remember ever actually feeling or being innocent, so maybe it was just an illusion, and a simple kiss could temporarily erase all the shit that was happening to me. that continues to happen to me even though it stopped years ago when i left. the physical power is gone but it still maintains a complicated grasp on every move i make. there may be no heaven but i know there is a hell.