clearly i remember picking on the boy. seemed a harmless little fuck.

Committed relationships are only good for financial purposes, I think. And then, only in the case of multiple incomes. Otherwise, I'm not sure I get the draw of it all. Sure, it would be nice to have an activity companion sometimes, but often it's exciting to live more spontaneously. Do I want to always be a "Joey and Whoever"? Of course it's nice to feel loved by someone. But it's also nice to not have to compromise.

I ate unfrosted shredded wheat with Hershey's syrup for dinner and I didn't have to explain why to anyone. It tasted damn good. Was it as nice as cuddling on the couch watching a good movie with someone who loves me? Perhaps not. But was it better than cuddling on the couch with someone who I'm not sure still feels the same passion for me as he used to? Definately.

me and a gun and a man on my back, and i sang "holy holy" as he buttoned down his pants.

For those who are unaware, I have a new job and a new place to live. After two long years in Muncie, I am making an official return to Indianapolis. It's pretty exciting, really. I told myself when I moved here that it was only temporary, but it was starting to seem like I was getting stuck, so happily I can report that I am not stuck. I already started the new job, which is going well, and will be moving soon. Not everything about moving to Muncie was bad though. I think I've made a lot of personal progress that might not have been possible if I hadn't been stuck in isolation here. So there's that.

we dance to the beat of bad kissers clinking teeth

I had a wonderful trip to San Francisco. What a beautiful place for a city. Why would anyone want to live anywhere else? Cost. Housing is ridiculously expensive, but probably worth it. Let's all just move there together. If we pool our money, we can get a 2-bedroom apartment. :)

Almost immediately after I returned from my trip, I went for a job interiew at a firm in Indianapolis, which went well, as I have accepted the position. i'm very excited about getting back to Indy. Living in Muncie always felt like a temporary thing, so I never invested much of myself into living here, so it always felt like I was wasting my life being here. So it's a relief for that to be coming to an end. I have appointments on Saturday to look at a few places, but I can commute until I get moved.

And finally, Robyn has released "Body Talk, Part 2," the second of three ep's she's putting out this year. There is simply no better pop music being created right now. Who knew that the girl singing "Show Me Love" when I was in high school would end up making such fantastic music. Since I'll never write enough blog posts to use some of the lines I want to use for titles, I'll put a couple here. "Even the Vatican knows not to fuck with me." "Some snitch punk at legal aid stole my voucher for court clothes." "Can I get a beat-beat for all of my whachamacallits doing whatever and with whomever they like." "We dance to the beat of your brain not evelving fast enough." "We need a black pope and she better be a woman. better be no more celibacy."

Thanks for indulging me.

there'll be no strings to bind your hands, not if my love can't bind your heart

Twice today I was able to get a fly to light on my finger so that I could walk it outside to safety. I told them they would die inside if they did not allow me to assist them in getting back outside, and they lit on my fingertip and rested there until I made it outside. Try it sometime. I don't want to be the only fly whisperer. Let me know your results.

when the glitter fades in morning, turn away and you will find my empty eyes

(me, on the left, with Courtney)

I know Courtney Love comes up a lot on here for some reason. I just finished watching her Behind the Music and it's odd how she can make me feel so manic and sad and empowered and resolved and suicidal and full with a single sentence. I think she really is my Jesus. I think this is how people feel about Jesus.

When I was in college and MTV created M2 to play more alternative stuff, there was a day called "24 Hours with Courtney Love" where she hosted the channel for 24 straight hours, only taking a small nap where they re-played the Unplugged that Hole did and some past performances from the VMAs and stuff. I remember being ready for bed when I was still flipping through channels and discovered this day-long thing was on. But I watched the entire 24 hours and never made it to bed. Sometimes I wonder how the world would react if Jesus lived today claiming that his virgin mother birthed him and that if you want to get to this heaven, the only way is through him. At the very least, he'd be a punchline. Jeff Foxworthy would probably have a comedy special all about it. The Manson girls would re-dedicate their lives to Jesus and we would not think of it as any improvement. I learned from a very early age that "trust me" and "follow me" and "i would never hurt you" and "believe in me" are all shit, so is that why I can only put my faith in Courtney, because she learned the same things? I am raised up in her (forgive the josh groban cliche). There's gotta be a light at the end, right? Even if the light is only for a cigarette. And I don't smoke.

I'm sure Jesus gave a lot of crappy sermons that didn't make the cut for the Bible. Do you ever wonder what they were about? The uninspired ones. The ones unworthy of so much red ink to make you really concentrate when you're reading. (I just stopped myself from the probably blasphemy of making my post in red font.) Surely there were more sermons than are in the Bible, or did he go around from city to city preaching the same one over and over? I've never thought about this until now, so if there's an actual answer to this stuff, I don't think I want to know.

Speaking of things I worship, Ginger sent me an awesome coffee mug. It's a baby-blue replica of the pink one she posted on here blog that I shamelessly commented my adoration about. Ginger is awesome. So is the mug.

Thanks for reading.

i've laid with the devil, cursed god above, forsaken heaven to bring you my love.

also, i've lost 60 pounds and weigh less than i weighed when i graduated high school. but don't let the picture fool you: i didn't find god.

i'm sipping propane topped with a cherry.

i think i just don't get life.

meanwhile, robyn has a new 8-song album that is brilliant. i am calling it dorky electropop.

back to the first stuff though. my mood swings are significant anymore. i had a good last few days, or was i just acting the part of being functional? i never know. sometimes it feels real and sometimes it doesn't. am i feeling what i feel when i feel it, or am i always empty and then convince myself that the better days are really empty too and fake? how do people have normal lives? how do they build a life without debilitating panic or dark clouds? can the emptiness ever go away once it's there? what if empty is my normal like other people's normal is content? it hurts less than it used to, but i don't think that's good.

buy robyn's album.

is she pretty on the inside?

Last night, I was in the front row for an amazing Hole concert in Nashville. Courtney touched my hand twice and poured water on me. It felt like a baptism for an atheist. They did a great mix of old and new songs, and even some covers like "Feelin' Good" and "Closer." And my favorite song of theirs--and perhaps my favorite song ever--"Plump." I wish I could describe the show better but I don't even have words for how much it meant to me.

And I got to take a couple days off work and had a great time in Nashville. I put a bunch of pictures on my facebook. I'm sure anyone reading this has access to that so I won't post them here. I thought of moving to Nashville a few years back and going there again made me wonder a bit why I didn't.

god made me a cannibal to fix problems like you

A couple days ago at work, I was having a discussion about the ethics of a situation, and a co-worker made a statement about how it was strange (I think strange was the word he used) that I (of all people) would want to talk about ethics. You know, the gay atheist on staff (or gaytheist, as I now refer to myself). I assume his insinuation dealt more with the atheism, but I'm not really sure: they're not much different to a lot of people. As if a person needs a god watching over them demanding that they do the right thing lest they be punished to know right from wrong. I do the right thing because it's the right thing, because it's what should be done, because it's how I want to be treated. But I forget sometimes that I am constantly being judged and questioned no matter how ethically I behave.

I took the high road after his comment and didn't reply. I normally am quite vocal in my responses to such things anymore, and frankly, I HATE the high road (the low road makes my tummy slightly queasy in a good way that I like). But in taking the high road, I was judging him for his small-mindedness, so I was really on the normal road. And I'm fine with that.

when you leave me alone in this world you know that i'm in hell

i remember kissing before it came with hands below the waist, when it was the farthest things were going to go, when making out was the bliss and a new connection could be innocent. i'd like to be able to cling to anything innocent, but i know it's too late and that's never going to happen again. i don't remember ever actually feeling or being innocent, so maybe it was just an illusion, and a simple kiss could temporarily erase all the shit that was happening to me. that continues to happen to me even though it stopped years ago when i left. the physical power is gone but it still maintains a complicated grasp on every move i make. there may be no heaven but i know there is a hell.

does my sexiness offend you?

I found a great t-shirt that not only promotes vegetarianism, but also makes a joke of pro-life messages. And who doesn't like that? Not that abortion is a joke or anything. Just the assholes that put that those bumper stickers and shit on their car.

By the way, I've now lost 20 pounds since Christmas. It's like I gave birth or something.

she don't eat meat but she sure like the bone

I think it's time I came out of the closet. As a vegetarian, this time. It's been nearly two weeks since I went whole-hog (forgive the expression; couldn't help myself) cutting out meat and gelatin and products derived from cooking meat. I have been considering it for years but always talked myself out of it. I don't like mushrooms. I don't like fresh tomatoes. Or avacadoes, or cucumbers, or lots of other things popular in vegetarian dishes, so I always said I'd never be able to do it. But I'm totally excited about it. I just feel so much more conscious. Aside from not eating meat, I am reading the labels on food and actually paying attention to what I put in my body. Yeah, there's still junk food, but I've added so many more healthy foods to my diet. When was the last time I thought about protein or vitamins before I made this transition? I feel great.

I turned to some websites about vegetarianism to try to get some pointers and was completely turned off by how judgemental they were. I feel like this has been a very personal decision for myself, so being all self-righteous about it seems ridiculous. I'm still eating dairy and eggs, so I'm still contributing to some of the problems I see, but I've taken a huge step for myself tha tI feel really good about. So much of my eating habits have been so reckless, from emotional eating to emotional starvation to just constant eating. I finally feel like I have some control.