when the glitter fades in morning, turn away and you will find my empty eyes

(me, on the left, with Courtney)

I know Courtney Love comes up a lot on here for some reason. I just finished watching her Behind the Music and it's odd how she can make me feel so manic and sad and empowered and resolved and suicidal and full with a single sentence. I think she really is my Jesus. I think this is how people feel about Jesus.

When I was in college and MTV created M2 to play more alternative stuff, there was a day called "24 Hours with Courtney Love" where she hosted the channel for 24 straight hours, only taking a small nap where they re-played the Unplugged that Hole did and some past performances from the VMAs and stuff. I remember being ready for bed when I was still flipping through channels and discovered this day-long thing was on. But I watched the entire 24 hours and never made it to bed. Sometimes I wonder how the world would react if Jesus lived today claiming that his virgin mother birthed him and that if you want to get to this heaven, the only way is through him. At the very least, he'd be a punchline. Jeff Foxworthy would probably have a comedy special all about it. The Manson girls would re-dedicate their lives to Jesus and we would not think of it as any improvement. I learned from a very early age that "trust me" and "follow me" and "i would never hurt you" and "believe in me" are all shit, so is that why I can only put my faith in Courtney, because she learned the same things? I am raised up in her (forgive the josh groban cliche). There's gotta be a light at the end, right? Even if the light is only for a cigarette. And I don't smoke.

I'm sure Jesus gave a lot of crappy sermons that didn't make the cut for the Bible. Do you ever wonder what they were about? The uninspired ones. The ones unworthy of so much red ink to make you really concentrate when you're reading. (I just stopped myself from the probably blasphemy of making my post in red font.) Surely there were more sermons than are in the Bible, or did he go around from city to city preaching the same one over and over? I've never thought about this until now, so if there's an actual answer to this stuff, I don't think I want to know.

Speaking of things I worship, Ginger sent me an awesome coffee mug. It's a baby-blue replica of the pink one she posted on here blog that I shamelessly commented my adoration about. Ginger is awesome. So is the mug.

Thanks for reading.

i've laid with the devil, cursed god above, forsaken heaven to bring you my love.

also, i've lost 60 pounds and weigh less than i weighed when i graduated high school. but don't let the picture fool you: i didn't find god.

i'm sipping propane topped with a cherry.

i think i just don't get life.

meanwhile, robyn has a new 8-song album that is brilliant. i am calling it dorky electropop.

back to the first stuff though. my mood swings are significant anymore. i had a good last few days, or was i just acting the part of being functional? i never know. sometimes it feels real and sometimes it doesn't. am i feeling what i feel when i feel it, or am i always empty and then convince myself that the better days are really empty too and fake? how do people have normal lives? how do they build a life without debilitating panic or dark clouds? can the emptiness ever go away once it's there? what if empty is my normal like other people's normal is content? it hurts less than it used to, but i don't think that's good.

buy robyn's album.