I don't really miss God, but I sure miss Santa Claus.

subtitled: Courtney Love is Jesus, and Why "Live Through This" is the Greatest Album Ever.

Driving down I-69 on Christmas Day with no reason to live, I put on "Live Through This" like I have dozens of times like this before. It changes me every bit as much as blood leaving the body. In every note, Courtney is more relentless than a blizzard. More hate-filled than Fred Phelps. She is more desperate than a terminal patient, and more in pain than me. She is a musician who has no skin left to shred. Her life is worthless, so she has nothing left but rock. You feel it in every breath she sings with, and with every breath you take as you scream along until your voice leaves you, which only takes a couple songs. As I drive down this interstate, she saves me. She is Jesus, but no one understands. I still consider removing my seatbelt and crashing into a concrete barrier but she relieves the urge just enough to make the desire calm into fantasy. She tells me that if I live through this with her that she will die for me, and I believe her. She gives me no choice. I trust her every word, and she saves me soul. She is Jesus. She is God. She if the Holy Fucking Ghost. And I can keep on driving.

untitled

After months of anticipation, "Antichrist" came to Indianapolis this weekend. When you have a film built up so much in your head before you see it, it's difficult for the film to live up to your expectations. However, when a film is frame-by-frame art, how can it let you down? I've seen most of Lars von Trier's movies, and been blown away by the majority, and it's amazing that he can continue to make movies that make even his most loyal and eager fans drop their jaws in awe. The casual viewer--not that anyone would casually go see a movie called "Antichrist" that is filled with violence, sex, and talking--would have a difficult time looking past the misogyny. But when the misogyny is a primary focus that is shoved in your face (literally), it moves beyond mere woman-bashing (though it is far from empowering.) After all, aren't the true misogynists writing James Bond or Meg Ryan flicks? While "Antichrist" definately isn't intended for mass consumption, it's the most amazing film-making I've seen in years. It continues to play in my head obsessively and refuses to make room for any of my other thoughts. Thankfully. I can't even come up with a song lyric for a title.

every night i pray that you don't knock her up, 'cause i still want to be the mother of your child.

Tonight, I was coked out on cold medication and took some photos of myself a la those pics people go get at Sears Portrait Studio to put on Christmas cards. What could be more fun?

In addition to that fun, I recently bought the new Shakira album and it reminded me how very much I love her. She's like the Bob Dylan of pop music, except with sexier metaphors. And I dare anyone to argue otherwise.

what ever happened to a boyfriend, the kind of guy who makes love 'cause he's in it?

Hello dear readers!

I've recently completed a delightful vacation in the Big Apple--you know, New York City. A special shout-out to C&Clo for their hospitality. I can't add any pictures to my post, as I am at work and forbidden to be blogging, let alone have personal pictures saved for purposes of blogging. I had a wonderful time and got to hang out with a couple lovely Germans most of the week. A special highlight: seeing the Yeah Yeah Yeahs at Radio City Music Hall. Do it the next time you're there. Not that they'll be there. But they might be. And if they are, definitely go see them.

I have another vacation from work approaching the first full week of November, and I have no idea what to do with myself. If only there were a Little Apple near-by for a more toned-down, relaxing week. Any ideas?

don't know what you've got till it's gone

Long time, no blog, eh? So what has happened since my last posting? I have rarely ridden the bike (surprise), had a car accident, didn't get hurt AND got to buy a new car, continued living in Muncie, kept trekking along trying to prove my worthiness as America's Next Top Mortician, and bought a ticket to New York City leaving this Saturday. I don't think I've left anything important out. But what is important, really?

Remember that salsa commerical from the early 90'--I think it was for Pace Picante--where there is a western scene and some guy is eating salsa made in Neeeeeeeeeeeeeew York City? I wish I remembered the commercial better so that I could descibe it more accurately, as I fear I'm not making any sense. Was it even salsa? Was it the 90's? Were there two cowboys making love in the background? Am I really an emotionally unstable hot mess that no one will ever be able to love? Was the southwest salsa really any better?

as i got light as a feather they got stiff as a board. i can't feel anymore, but i can fake it forever.

I bought a bike today! How fun is that? I haven't ridden a bike since I was 12. I took a short ride around my apartment complex, and I must say that it's not as easy as I remember. Breaking in particular. But wish me luck on not breaking a leg!

i could put my arms around every boy i see, but they'd only remind me of you

I never gave an update on what I did during my Muncie weekend. Thanks, Christoph, for pointing this out. Though it's been several weeks this that fun-filled week-end, I shall inform you that I went to a great pancake house here in Muncie for the first time. Eva's House of Pancakes. Got tons of food--all delicious--on the cheap, and thought I'd be back many times. That is until teh following Tuesday, when I saw the restaurant had suddenly closed. I also went to a great Mexican place with a friend where the decor includes Precious Moments figures dressed as Mexicans, with sombreros, gouchos, and large moustaches. No word yet on the future of this place.

On another note altogether, I would normally post a response to Ginger's blog posting in the appropriate space (on her own blog), it inspired me to write things on my own blog. The blog entry was about Britain releasing the list of hate-mongers who are not allowed in their country anymore. Do read her entry. I found myself totally agreeing, and thinking of other ways that "open-minded" people are always hating on the hatemongers, thinking they are taking the high road while they preach equally outrageous hatred. For years, I have listened to other gay people talk about how closed-minded other people can be (and they can be) and they talk about these people's hatred and ignorance, but instead of setting a good example as a human being, they (and not all gay people) use vicious hate language about people who do not accept them, and refuse to see the hypocrisy in demanding that their opinion be heard and accepted when often that message is more hate-filled than the opposition (with some forgiveness because it does hurt sometimes to not be able to casually hold your boyfriend's hand and be told that your love is not valid, so of course you're going to be angry sometimes.) But for many of us, it took years to accept that we were homosexuals and be comfortable in our own skin, and some gay people never get that far. How can we expect others to accept us and love us for who we are, when instead of educating them and showing them what upstanding citizens we can be, we attack and demand acceptance? At the same time, I realize that sometimes you can't just sit back and wait for people to change their minds about things like gay marriage. But is demonizing someone like Miss California really part of the road to showing everyone that we are respectable and beneficial parts of society? She stated her opinion, which she is allowed to have, and while she sounded dumb, she's trying to be Miss America, not the president. By the way, most gay people supported Barack Obama whole-heartedly. A president who opposed gay marriage. Are people really more upset that a beauty queen does not support gay marriage? Really?

all i ever wanted was a simple way to get over you

Let me first apologize for my absense. It's not you. It's me.

I have become a Mafia Wars addict. Mafia Wars is a game on facebook where I get to live out my fantasized Italian heritage of being a New York Italian mafia man. I've made it to the level of Hitman at last count. It's very exciting.

This weekend is my first weekend off work that I'm spending in Muncie in months. Sorry for the awkward sentence structure on that last sentence. I don't feel like rearranging the prepositional phrases. But I wonder what awaits me this weekend. Will I take advantage of the great weather and explore Ball State tomorrow? Will I take a stroll along the river? I'll let you know.

poetry is no place for a heart that's a whore

"What must their most secret prayers be like, these men who pray and prey and pray and prey? Do they live in anguish? They cause it, but do they live in it? In my most secret prayers I pray they do, even as I pray to be able to forgive them. To forgive him." --Kevin Sessums, Mississippi Sissy.

Note to self: you changed your windshield wiper blades today. According to the packaging, check them again in six months for nicks or cuts and replace as needed. Do not forget.