i'd like to put you in a trance.

I made a wax face in Restorative Art today. I was trying to make it look like Dolly Parton, but it looked a lot more like an Easter Island head. Which is ok. They're both classics. And it's better than you did. Well, better than you would have done. Maybe.

I wrote a letter to my apartment complex saying that I would renew my lease for another 6 months if they give me the same rate I'm paying now. I've lived here for three years and they raise my rent every year, and I'm annoyed, but too tired to move. Do you think they fell for my bluff? I'm still waiting to find out. If not, is there someone who will let me live with them for 6 months until I graduate? If they give me a much higher rent after I've asked for mercy, I'd likely move no matter how much trouble it causes. Is there anyone out there who can help me pack and then paint my walls back to white and fill in all the holes in the walls? Is it too much to ask these days for a company to show some loyalty to someone who has paid their rent on time for three years and wants to keep doing it?

i can feel it in my bones: i'm gonna spend my whole life alone. fuck and run.

I'm gonna wing it today. I usually have at least an idea of what I might write about before I begin a blog, but not today. I know what you're thinking. You're thinking I should go back and reread some of my posts and reconsider putting in here today that I have a plan when I begin. I know it's ludicrous.

Has anyone seen "Stardust"? It was great. I got it from Netflix and watched it a couple times. It's such a lovely and sweet fairy tale. It's an epic for chicks, which isn't normal, so I like that. And it stars Claire Danes as a star (an actual star from the sky). I watched the special features like any dork would who has just seen a movie he loves, and Claire was interviewed and was asked how she explained to the director the way in which she would make her character seem star-like. It's worth watching the movie and special features just for her response. I won't spoil it.

So that's my spontaneous thought.

Also, what the fuck is the deal with the media making such a big deal out of some politician-cum-president-wannabe winning a caucus in a small northern state and then everyone saying that other politicians-cum-president-wannabe might as well pack up and go home? Didn't Pat Buchanan win a few primaries back in his day? It's ridiculous.

Sorry to get political. Go Hillary.

straight up now tell me do you really wanna love me forever?

What a last couple weeks it has been, readers! Another semester of school has ended, which means I am now one step closer to becoming America's Next Top Mortician. Watch out, Clyde from Barstow!

Next, I went to Vegas. It was my first time. Had a great time. Saw some showgirls. Saw David Ruprecht, host of Supermarket Sweep. Saw some dead bodies. What more can I ask for in a two-day trip?

Ah, and then it was Christmas. Sweet sweet Christmas. Blech.

Any questions?

feminists don't have a sense of humour.

I got to go see Nellie McKay a few days ago. In spite of my embarrassment of overusing "awesome" from my last post, I must say again, that the concert was awesome. Why bother using a thesaurus, right? I have a total woman-crush on her.

Anyway, how was everyone's Thanksgiving?

nothing ever smells of roses when it rises out of ruins

I went to an IMAX movie for the first time this weekend. It was "Sea Monsters in 3D" and it was awesome. The only other 3D movie I'd ever seen was "Friday the 13th Part 3" and it just wasn't the same. I felt like such a dork for being so excited during and after having seen it. I kept saying "that was awesome." Why can't I be more eloquent? Am I really such a big dork?

it was a slap in the face how quickly i was replaced

Hello, readers!

I've been meaning to blog about some wonderful words of wisdom I heard on a documentary about grieving the loss of a child. True, these are all taken out of context, but believe me when I say that they were even more meaningful in context. There is nothing like these gems when dealing with the death of your child. I hope you can find all these words meaningful in your own lives.

"Human hearts break open. They don't break closed."

"Joy and sorrow are the scalpels God uses to open your heart."

"Depression is frozen anger."

"Grieving is the way to heal a heart that's been broken."

"Cursing is a form of prayer. It lets God know how you're feeling."

"We need to find a way to weave the words 'grieving' and 'healing' together."

"Any time we depress one feeling, we depress them all. Depression is a feeling we haven't allowed to come out."

"Stop and look at the rainbow."

"It's not easy to love, but it's the most real thing in the universe."

"Support the fertileness of your own soul."

"When you honor [your dead child's] soul, you honor your soul."

"Grieving is like having an empty teacup inside. You can't feel a teacup that's already full."

Feel free to comment on which ones would help you heal.

Your friend,

Joey

see the retard girl cross-eyed in the schoolyard

My how time flies, dear readers. I have now had my blog here for over a year, and I can proudly say I now have two regular readers. Such a time might cause me to reflect on the happenings of the last year, all their goings-on and such.

I said "might."

I don't really have a lot going on right now. Still trucking along in mortuary school. I bought a new laptop, but still use dial-up. And I still don't want to talk about the last year.

she turns and says "are you alright?" i said "i must be fine 'cause my heart's still beating."

I don't know what to say today.

if you don't have a song to sing, you're ok

I pledge to you, dear readers, that after a string of downers, this post is gonna be off the chain. Well, I don't like to overpromise, so let's just say it's gonna be wiggity-wiggity-wiggity whack. I don't like that either. You know what, fuck it. I'm not even gonna say anything. I ruined it. Just like I ruin everything. Just like I've ruined everything for the last 28 years (yes, I had a birthday for those of you who forgot.) So enough is enough.

And scene.

That, dear readers, is drama. Gaze into my eyes and see the tears I was able to produce. Take that, Juliane Moore! Take that, Nicole Kidman! Take that, Chloe Sevingy! You call that emoting, Meryl Streep?

That's what I thought.

you look so fine. i want to break your heart and give you mine.

I used to watch this cheesy show during my lunch breaks called "Starting Over." It was a show where women would move into this house in order to deal with some aspect of their life they were having trouble with. Ideally, they would work cooperatively with a therapist and the other women to reslove issues and one day graduate from the house. A big part of all their journeys involved finding the root cause of all the troubles in their lives, and though it wasn't an easy journey from there, they could at least deal with all the fallout from that root cause.

As long as I can remember, I've been a negative, fearful, angry, self-depricating person who uses humor to attempt to get people not to delve deeper, to only think I'm funny and a bit weird and move along. The one thing I am best at is pushing people away so they--and I--don't have to deal with anything on a deeper level. Not many people stick around to find out anything real.

I'm trying to be more open lately in an attempt to leave some of the bad stuff behind. I've driven myself crazy for years and I wonder what horrible things I've said to people and done to people without even realizing it--sometimes I do realize it. But you can't get better until you start to try.