she turns and says "are you alright?" i said "i must be fine 'cause my heart's still beating."

I don't know what to say today.

if you don't have a song to sing, you're ok

I pledge to you, dear readers, that after a string of downers, this post is gonna be off the chain. Well, I don't like to overpromise, so let's just say it's gonna be wiggity-wiggity-wiggity whack. I don't like that either. You know what, fuck it. I'm not even gonna say anything. I ruined it. Just like I ruin everything. Just like I've ruined everything for the last 28 years (yes, I had a birthday for those of you who forgot.) So enough is enough.

And scene.

That, dear readers, is drama. Gaze into my eyes and see the tears I was able to produce. Take that, Juliane Moore! Take that, Nicole Kidman! Take that, Chloe Sevingy! You call that emoting, Meryl Streep?

That's what I thought.

you look so fine. i want to break your heart and give you mine.

I used to watch this cheesy show during my lunch breaks called "Starting Over." It was a show where women would move into this house in order to deal with some aspect of their life they were having trouble with. Ideally, they would work cooperatively with a therapist and the other women to reslove issues and one day graduate from the house. A big part of all their journeys involved finding the root cause of all the troubles in their lives, and though it wasn't an easy journey from there, they could at least deal with all the fallout from that root cause.

As long as I can remember, I've been a negative, fearful, angry, self-depricating person who uses humor to attempt to get people not to delve deeper, to only think I'm funny and a bit weird and move along. The one thing I am best at is pushing people away so they--and I--don't have to deal with anything on a deeper level. Not many people stick around to find out anything real.

I'm trying to be more open lately in an attempt to leave some of the bad stuff behind. I've driven myself crazy for years and I wonder what horrible things I've said to people and done to people without even realizing it--sometimes I do realize it. But you can't get better until you start to try.

like a fresh battery, i'm energized by you

Hello lucky readers. Not much going on lately. My summer semester of school ended a couple days ago, so only one more year to go (hopefully). My summer classes were pretty easy, so it's going to be tough getting back into the swing of things once the real classes start back up in a few weeks. But I am strong. I am invincible. I am one hell of a pissant.

i dropped acid on a saturday night just to see what the fuss was about

There are things that happen in life that completely destroy your chances. It's crazy how something you almost don't even remember can affect so many parts of your life. you can learn from a very early age how to not get too close and how to drive people away and how to shut down and fuck it all away. and keep trying to push it all down and not remember.

i'm gonna lock my son up in a tower till i write my whole life story on the back of his big brown eyes

You know who you are. You know what's wrong. You can't keep going on like this. You know what you need to do. You know what you need to change. You know what you have to change. This is all for you. This is all about you.


You're a watchdog, and I need you to be an intruder. It can't go on like this.

my lover, i'd rather be under than getting over you

I finally started reading the first Harry Potter book. I know. Where have I been? I must say I'm enjoying it. I don't really like reading a book after I've seen the movie version though, because then you just end up relying on the imagination of the movie makers instead of your own. But I like it anyway.

you'll never gain weight from a doughnut hole

I really only wanted to post an entry so that I could use the doughnut hole line. Unfortunately the last few days have slipped by with little to no accomplishment; thereby, I have little to discuss. Should I just offer up a word or two about Kevin O'Connor from PBS' "This Old House"? No? Well, ok. I was only trying to open up a discussion.

like Prince said you're a sexy mother--

Oh readers, where do I begin?

My sister's wedding went pretty well. I was making a misery of myself in the beginning of the reception, but then started to get caught up in the moment and got myself drunk on Crown and Coke and danced--to be more specific, I ruled the dance floor (wasn't able to get myself laid though.) Nearly a week later, I am still in a bit of pain. A John Travolta-style knee slide may look cool, but it's really not good for the joints. But your only sister doesn't get married every day, right? It was great to get to share that time with her just acting crazy. Being a stick-in-the-mud doesn't afford me that many opportunities to behave so. I'm sorry more people weren't able to see it.

So readers, now it is your turn to share some wild and crazy recent experiences. It's as easy as 1-2-3! Just click on the comments and tell us all something new and interesting about yourself.

(And Christoph, you know you've always been my favorite. I guess it's your sweet sweet face.)

don't bother. i won't die of deception.

Sometimes I think my blog serves as nothing more than evidence of my moodiness. I'm just glad that it's interesting enough to keep the three of you coming back for more.