all i really want is some patience, a way to calm the angry voice. and all i really want is deliverance.

I was just watching an episode of Dr. Phil (I know...) and there was an adult daughter on confronting her mother who did nothing to stop her stepfather from sexually abusing her for years. the mother just didn't get it. She found ways to shift blame away from herself, even away from the molestor, and onto her daughter. She acted as though her daughter should have been able (whether as a child or an adult) to fix herself and come to feel sorry for the mother for having to go through this. The poor mother. And the daughter was there trying to figure out how to forgive her mother for letting it happen. How do you forgive something like that? What is a parent good for when they look the other way or flat-out refuse to protect their child? How do you ever get over that?

When one such amazing foundation of parenting falls apart, how do you ever forgive them for that? Of course forgiveness is for yourself, to rid yourself of all that anger and bitterness and overall shittiness, but how do you forgive that? How can you ever let them off the hook for being a passive party to ruining your life? How can you ever look them in the eye? Hug them? Love them? Do they deserve anything from you?

and my friends were like whatever, you'll find someone better, his eyes were way too close together, and we never liked him from the start.

Welcome back to my bog. I mean blog.

So I'm graduating from mortuary school in nine days. I didn't anticipate the pressure I'd feel. I went to school for a specific occupation and now I have to go do it, and what if I din't like it? Not tha tI think I won't like it, but what if I put myself in a heap of debt and wasted two years on it. Not that I did. I'm just saying. So I'm looking for a job. That sucks too. I'm being pressured at my current job to go ahead and leave so they can hire someone who actually wants to work there, not that I care. Except I do care. I still do a pretty good job. It's not like I just go sit and distract people every day. Except I do that sometimes. But so will the person they replace me with. I digress. The pressure. My lease is up in 5 weeks and I don't know where to move because I don't know where I'll be working. So I don't even know where to look at apartments, let alone whether I should just stay here. I'm also having trouble deciding whether to just stay drunk, take a lot of Xanax, or a combo. I just want to sing Natalie Cole songs all day.

i hear sadness inside you

I don't understand how supposedly-counterculture people shop at Wal-Mart. I was driving today and saw a guy pulling out of Wal-Mart with all these bumper stickers on his car, covered in tattoos and crazy hair everywhere, and even some make-up (best I could tell). You make me sick, man.

you cleaned up, found jesus. things are good, or so i hear.

I'm watching "The Family Guy" and there was just a scene of Stephen Hawking having sex. You should probably look on youtube to try to find that clip. Sick.

I've decided to make my blog more literal so that i can produce better metaphors.

everyone i know goes away in the end

For about a year, I just couldn't decide what to do after school. Moving far away is such a big ordeal, but there's always that allure. But for the first time, perhaps, I feel some acceptance of my life here in Indianapolis. I think I might be happy here--or at least around here. Of course, there's no guarantee that I'll find a job here.

I'm such a control freak sometimes but there's so little I have control over right now. Maybe life is teaching me a lesson. Maybe I should just roll with the punches. I think I'm doing better with that. But there's constantly a rumbling in the pit of my stomach, a lingering nervousness that rarely fades. Even when you're established and settled down and all, there are no guarantees, but you at least know generally where your life is heading. I miss feeling that pseudo-guarantee. But I know that without change and giving up control, there can be no betterment.

Can I get an amen? Would that even be appropriate? You're all wonderful.

boy, you sure look pretty when you're putting the damage on

I was running through thoughts to blog today but it was sounding far too Carrie Bradshaw. I guess that's the trouble with leading such a ritzy lifestyle. As a result, I'll try to be less Sex-y so as not to rip anyone off.

There are always things in your head that are hard to verbalize and I've been having lots of those lately (it's not just me, right?). Sometimes it's stuff you don't know how to put into words, and sometimes it's just stuff you don't look forward to saying or don't know who to say it to or when to say it, or things you want to say and feel stupid enough just for thinking them but it runs you crazy keeping them inside.

Was Carrie simply a writer with a column to write, or was she an exhibitionist whose friends couldn't provide any real answers so she had to plead to millions of people for validation of those hard-to-verbalize thoughts that most of us normally keep to ourselves? Was it internal strength that provided her the ability to bare her inner workings or was it an insecure search for acceptance?

I know Carrie wasn't real. But of course I am real, though perhaps a bit less ballsy or strong or insecure. Maybe that's why I don't have my movie yet. That, and I make far less sense.

they always said that sex would change you

Personally, I like to hold things over people's heads. So when I see an opportunity, I go for it. Forgive me for being cryptic, but while I like to hold things over said heads, I don't like to be too obvious or intentionally embarrass anyone. That said, I'd just finished chatting with someone last night who asked me to go read his blog, and I started reading, and the blog started out on how the entry was inspired by chatting with someone. I thought, oh, I've inspired another person. How sweet! But then I continued to read, and clearly, I was not the inspiration. I hadn't had this conversation about dropsy, nor any other antiquated disease names or states of disease. Was I crushed? No. Was I surprise? No. Did I see an opportunity? Fuck yeah.

I'm going to leave things there for now. You know who you are. :-)

i'll only call you after if you say i can

So what's up, loyal readers? I apologize for being such a tardy blogger. But so much has happened that I haven't had time to write, but I'll have to fill you in on those details another time. There's a much more pressing issue today that needs to be aired: anti-oxidents. They're all over the place these days. In wrinkle creams. Fortifying my pomegranate juice. I said wrinkly cream already? XXX Vitamin Water (which is pomegranate flavor.) Are anti-oxidents only drinkable when mixed with pomegranate or does pomegranate juice contain anti-oxidents. If it's natural, why do they tell us that it's fortified? I suppose we'll never know.

i'd like to put you in a trance.

I made a wax face in Restorative Art today. I was trying to make it look like Dolly Parton, but it looked a lot more like an Easter Island head. Which is ok. They're both classics. And it's better than you did. Well, better than you would have done. Maybe.

I wrote a letter to my apartment complex saying that I would renew my lease for another 6 months if they give me the same rate I'm paying now. I've lived here for three years and they raise my rent every year, and I'm annoyed, but too tired to move. Do you think they fell for my bluff? I'm still waiting to find out. If not, is there someone who will let me live with them for 6 months until I graduate? If they give me a much higher rent after I've asked for mercy, I'd likely move no matter how much trouble it causes. Is there anyone out there who can help me pack and then paint my walls back to white and fill in all the holes in the walls? Is it too much to ask these days for a company to show some loyalty to someone who has paid their rent on time for three years and wants to keep doing it?

i can feel it in my bones: i'm gonna spend my whole life alone. fuck and run.

I'm gonna wing it today. I usually have at least an idea of what I might write about before I begin a blog, but not today. I know what you're thinking. You're thinking I should go back and reread some of my posts and reconsider putting in here today that I have a plan when I begin. I know it's ludicrous.

Has anyone seen "Stardust"? It was great. I got it from Netflix and watched it a couple times. It's such a lovely and sweet fairy tale. It's an epic for chicks, which isn't normal, so I like that. And it stars Claire Danes as a star (an actual star from the sky). I watched the special features like any dork would who has just seen a movie he loves, and Claire was interviewed and was asked how she explained to the director the way in which she would make her character seem star-like. It's worth watching the movie and special features just for her response. I won't spoil it.

So that's my spontaneous thought.

Also, what the fuck is the deal with the media making such a big deal out of some politician-cum-president-wannabe winning a caucus in a small northern state and then everyone saying that other politicians-cum-president-wannabe might as well pack up and go home? Didn't Pat Buchanan win a few primaries back in his day? It's ridiculous.

Sorry to get political. Go Hillary.