is she pretty on the inside?

Last night, I was in the front row for an amazing Hole concert in Nashville. Courtney touched my hand twice and poured water on me. It felt like a baptism for an atheist. They did a great mix of old and new songs, and even some covers like "Feelin' Good" and "Closer." And my favorite song of theirs--and perhaps my favorite song ever--"Plump." I wish I could describe the show better but I don't even have words for how much it meant to me.

And I got to take a couple days off work and had a great time in Nashville. I put a bunch of pictures on my facebook. I'm sure anyone reading this has access to that so I won't post them here. I thought of moving to Nashville a few years back and going there again made me wonder a bit why I didn't.

god made me a cannibal to fix problems like you

A couple days ago at work, I was having a discussion about the ethics of a situation, and a co-worker made a statement about how it was strange (I think strange was the word he used) that I (of all people) would want to talk about ethics. You know, the gay atheist on staff (or gaytheist, as I now refer to myself). I assume his insinuation dealt more with the atheism, but I'm not really sure: they're not much different to a lot of people. As if a person needs a god watching over them demanding that they do the right thing lest they be punished to know right from wrong. I do the right thing because it's the right thing, because it's what should be done, because it's how I want to be treated. But I forget sometimes that I am constantly being judged and questioned no matter how ethically I behave.

I took the high road after his comment and didn't reply. I normally am quite vocal in my responses to such things anymore, and frankly, I HATE the high road (the low road makes my tummy slightly queasy in a good way that I like). But in taking the high road, I was judging him for his small-mindedness, so I was really on the normal road. And I'm fine with that.

when you leave me alone in this world you know that i'm in hell

i remember kissing before it came with hands below the waist, when it was the farthest things were going to go, when making out was the bliss and a new connection could be innocent. i'd like to be able to cling to anything innocent, but i know it's too late and that's never going to happen again. i don't remember ever actually feeling or being innocent, so maybe it was just an illusion, and a simple kiss could temporarily erase all the shit that was happening to me. that continues to happen to me even though it stopped years ago when i left. the physical power is gone but it still maintains a complicated grasp on every move i make. there may be no heaven but i know there is a hell.

does my sexiness offend you?

I found a great t-shirt that not only promotes vegetarianism, but also makes a joke of pro-life messages. And who doesn't like that? Not that abortion is a joke or anything. Just the assholes that put that those bumper stickers and shit on their car.

By the way, I've now lost 20 pounds since Christmas. It's like I gave birth or something.

she don't eat meat but she sure like the bone

I think it's time I came out of the closet. As a vegetarian, this time. It's been nearly two weeks since I went whole-hog (forgive the expression; couldn't help myself) cutting out meat and gelatin and products derived from cooking meat. I have been considering it for years but always talked myself out of it. I don't like mushrooms. I don't like fresh tomatoes. Or avacadoes, or cucumbers, or lots of other things popular in vegetarian dishes, so I always said I'd never be able to do it. But I'm totally excited about it. I just feel so much more conscious. Aside from not eating meat, I am reading the labels on food and actually paying attention to what I put in my body. Yeah, there's still junk food, but I've added so many more healthy foods to my diet. When was the last time I thought about protein or vitamins before I made this transition? I feel great.

I turned to some websites about vegetarianism to try to get some pointers and was completely turned off by how judgemental they were. I feel like this has been a very personal decision for myself, so being all self-righteous about it seems ridiculous. I'm still eating dairy and eggs, so I'm still contributing to some of the problems I see, but I've taken a huge step for myself tha tI feel really good about. So much of my eating habits have been so reckless, from emotional eating to emotional starvation to just constant eating. I finally feel like I have some control.

I don't really miss God, but I sure miss Santa Claus.

subtitled: Courtney Love is Jesus, and Why "Live Through This" is the Greatest Album Ever.

Driving down I-69 on Christmas Day with no reason to live, I put on "Live Through This" like I have dozens of times like this before. It changes me every bit as much as blood leaving the body. In every note, Courtney is more relentless than a blizzard. More hate-filled than Fred Phelps. She is more desperate than a terminal patient, and more in pain than me. She is a musician who has no skin left to shred. Her life is worthless, so she has nothing left but rock. You feel it in every breath she sings with, and with every breath you take as you scream along until your voice leaves you, which only takes a couple songs. As I drive down this interstate, she saves me. She is Jesus, but no one understands. I still consider removing my seatbelt and crashing into a concrete barrier but she relieves the urge just enough to make the desire calm into fantasy. She tells me that if I live through this with her that she will die for me, and I believe her. She gives me no choice. I trust her every word, and she saves me soul. She is Jesus. She is God. She if the Holy Fucking Ghost. And I can keep on driving.

untitled

After months of anticipation, "Antichrist" came to Indianapolis this weekend. When you have a film built up so much in your head before you see it, it's difficult for the film to live up to your expectations. However, when a film is frame-by-frame art, how can it let you down? I've seen most of Lars von Trier's movies, and been blown away by the majority, and it's amazing that he can continue to make movies that make even his most loyal and eager fans drop their jaws in awe. The casual viewer--not that anyone would casually go see a movie called "Antichrist" that is filled with violence, sex, and talking--would have a difficult time looking past the misogyny. But when the misogyny is a primary focus that is shoved in your face (literally), it moves beyond mere woman-bashing (though it is far from empowering.) After all, aren't the true misogynists writing James Bond or Meg Ryan flicks? While "Antichrist" definately isn't intended for mass consumption, it's the most amazing film-making I've seen in years. It continues to play in my head obsessively and refuses to make room for any of my other thoughts. Thankfully. I can't even come up with a song lyric for a title.

every night i pray that you don't knock her up, 'cause i still want to be the mother of your child.

Tonight, I was coked out on cold medication and took some photos of myself a la those pics people go get at Sears Portrait Studio to put on Christmas cards. What could be more fun?

In addition to that fun, I recently bought the new Shakira album and it reminded me how very much I love her. She's like the Bob Dylan of pop music, except with sexier metaphors. And I dare anyone to argue otherwise.

what ever happened to a boyfriend, the kind of guy who makes love 'cause he's in it?

Hello dear readers!

I've recently completed a delightful vacation in the Big Apple--you know, New York City. A special shout-out to C&Clo for their hospitality. I can't add any pictures to my post, as I am at work and forbidden to be blogging, let alone have personal pictures saved for purposes of blogging. I had a wonderful time and got to hang out with a couple lovely Germans most of the week. A special highlight: seeing the Yeah Yeah Yeahs at Radio City Music Hall. Do it the next time you're there. Not that they'll be there. But they might be. And if they are, definitely go see them.

I have another vacation from work approaching the first full week of November, and I have no idea what to do with myself. If only there were a Little Apple near-by for a more toned-down, relaxing week. Any ideas?

don't know what you've got till it's gone

Long time, no blog, eh? So what has happened since my last posting? I have rarely ridden the bike (surprise), had a car accident, didn't get hurt AND got to buy a new car, continued living in Muncie, kept trekking along trying to prove my worthiness as America's Next Top Mortician, and bought a ticket to New York City leaving this Saturday. I don't think I've left anything important out. But what is important, really?

Remember that salsa commerical from the early 90'--I think it was for Pace Picante--where there is a western scene and some guy is eating salsa made in Neeeeeeeeeeeeeew York City? I wish I remembered the commercial better so that I could descibe it more accurately, as I fear I'm not making any sense. Was it even salsa? Was it the 90's? Were there two cowboys making love in the background? Am I really an emotionally unstable hot mess that no one will ever be able to love? Was the southwest salsa really any better?